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A blonde walks into a circuit store. She goes to the back and asks the clerk “Can I have this T.V.?” He said “No.” “Why not?” asked the blonde. “Because your a dumb blonde.”
She comes back the next day with a new hair color. She again asked the same clerk if she could have that same T.V.. He again said no. When she asked why he responded “Because that’s not a T.V., that is a microwave.
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I
left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran
into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to
get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas-guzzler, and use it to push
my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at
about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my
directions.
The Supreme Court has agreed to rule on whether a church in New Mexico can celebrate rituals with a tea spiked with hallucinogens.
In response, the church’s spokesman said, “We are glad that the Supreme Court has agreed to … Wow, man your face is melting.”
-Rob Bates
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. I’ll sit in the dark. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me…
A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says
no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer.
She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ”No, and if you
come back I’ll nail your freaking’ hands to the table!”
So she comes back and asks him, ��do you have any nails?”
He says no.
”Well then, do you have any peanuts?”
Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? A: The taste.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear, “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
14. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.
16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie “The Way We Were” twice, voluntarily.
20. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
21. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget. He didn’t lose your number. He didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.
23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
There’s these 3 guys driving in a car to go to Alabama:
Bob, John, and Stan. Along the way they stop at a bar and get
really drunk, but they keep on driving anyway. After about five
minutes, they have an accident and they all die. They get to
Heaven, and are greeted by St.Peter. John steps up and talks to
St.Peter who says to John:
“All people who go into heaven must have a vehicle, Heavens a
big place. Answer this question: How many times have you cheated
on your wife, and how long have you been married?” To which John
replies:
“I’ve been married three years and cheated 183 times” So
St.Peter gives him a Ford Pinto.
Then the Stan guy steps up…
“All people who go into heaven must have a vehicle, Heavens a
big place. Answer this question: How many times have you cheated
on your wife, and how long have you been married?” Stan replies:
“I’ve been marries 26 years, and cheated 59 times. So St.Peter
gives him a Mazda Miadda.
Finally Bob steps up:
“All people who go into heaven must have a vehicle, Heavens a
big place. Answer this question: How many times have you cheated
on your wife, and how long have you been married?” And Bob
proudly says:
“I’ve been married 79 years and never cheated!!!” So St.Peter
gives him a Ferrari F-50.
The next day Stan and Jhon are driving around heaven, and they
spot Bob sitting on a curb looking very sad. They drive up to
him and ask why he’s down, to which he replied:
“I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”
How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Bill Clintons screw interns, not lightbulbs.
Q. what do you get if you cross Micheal Jackson and Arnold Schwartznegger
A. Micheal was a nigger