Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
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The Top 9 Signs Your Radio Doctor Flunked Medical School
9. Explains the rustling sound in the background as him going into his little black bag. The truth: brown paper bag and Mad Dog 20/20.
8. Photographic evidence of her home gynecological exam is all over the internet.
7. “Bilirubin? Didn’t he sing with the Beatles???”
6. Backs up all his pharmacological advice with references to Cheech & Chong.
5. Most recommended cures involve chants, candles and fresh chicken blood.
4. After administering medicine she asks, “did I say that was oral or anal?”
3. Tries to use the show to plug his panacea, “Crackicillin.”
2. Just introduced a new line of home colonoscopy and prostate surgery kits.
1. Insists that your heart bypass operation will go well as long as the surgeon doesn’t trigger the red nose light and buzzer.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Knock KnockWho’s there?Cecil!Cecil who?Cecil have
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cecil!Cecil who?Cecil have music whereever she goes….!
Is it in?
Q: How do you get a macho guy to stop calling “it” The Whopper, My Bazooka,
and The Thunder Rod?
A: Ask, “Is it in?”
Queen of England and the Pope
One day, the Queen of England is visiting the Pope, outside,
there is a big crowd. The Queen was talking about how loyal her
subjects were, and the Pope asked her to demonstrate this. So
she said that with a wave of her hand, she could make the people
of England cheer, and sure enough, when she waved her hand, the
people of England cheered. The Pope said that he could do
better, the Queen asked what he ment, so he told her that he
could get all of the people of Ireland to go nuts, so the Pope
and the Queen went on the balcony. Then, the Pope headbutted the
Queen.
The Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer replied, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Well Yeah, but you started it.”
Floppy Disc
Proper Care of Floppies: 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. ‘Big’ diskettes may be folded and used in ‘little’ disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a ‘hung’ or ‘hooked’ state. If your system is ‘hooking’ you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive (see item #2 above.)10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.12. And particularly, watch out for that Bobbit virus. It will turn your harddrive into a 3.5′ floppy.
A bunch of better idiots!
These “Weird Reference Questions” are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a “better idiot” can be invented.
“Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
“Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title: “Satanic Verses”)
“I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?”
“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?” hahahaha…what a bone head!
“Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?” hmmm…I don’t recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?
“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.” (No…that’s your brain miss-firing.)
“I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.” (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)
“I need a color photograph of George Washington.” (Ok…hold on…I’ll check with the caveman…)
“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!
Arm Less Drinker
An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”
Wife Is a Car Feature
Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.
Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, “It’s got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver’s side air bag.”
Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve’s wife before, he asked, “Who’s that?”
“Oh,” said Steve with a grin, “another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!”
Jaimito iba de viaje, entonces
Jaimito iba de viaje, entonces una se�ora le pide sus datos:
“�Nombre?”
“Jaimito Perez.”
“�Edad?”
“Cinco a�os.”
La se�ora pregunta:
“�Sexo?”
Y Jaimito responde:
“Todav�a no.”
Why do they call it
Why do they call it a TV set when there’s only one?