Keep the following in mind when going poopies at work…
We’ve all been there, but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew
down below. WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work
will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE – Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poop in the stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen
police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) – Definition: When
forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH – Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME – Definition: Walking from the stall, to the
sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER – Definition: A colleague who poops at
work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) – Definition: A group of
coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS – Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in
the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of
a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR – Definition: A pooper who does not realize that
you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH – Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can
be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE – Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear
an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON – Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. SEE CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET – Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED – Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop
your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY – Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful
not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.