A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.. The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says “No. Who are you?” The drunk proudly says “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!” They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”
Author: admin
What’s it called when…?
What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
The Frenchman and The Torontonian
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Toronto are walking down the
beach. They come across a magic lamp, out comes a genie and
says, “I will grant each of you one wish.” So the guy from
Quebec says, “I wish for a wall 500 feet high around Quebec so
nobody can bug us again.”
GRANTED!
The guy from Toronto says, “Fill it with water.”
GRANTED!
Golden screw
There was a man that was born with a golden screw in his navel. Everyone told him just leave it alone, but as he grew older, his curiousity was getting the best of him, so he went to several doctors to find out what it was for. None could give him answer and said it must be there for a reason, so leave it alone. One night, watching TV, he noticed a screwdriver on the table beside him, so he grabbed it and started screwing. Finally it came out! Nothing! So he stood up, and his butt fell off.
Things not to say on
Things not to say on your Valentine’s date…1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? 2. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. 4. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. 5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 6. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it. 8. I really feel that I’ve grown up in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. 9. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 10. I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 11. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.
Pulled Over
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by
a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with
his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “Why’d you do that?
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna
say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that crap with me!'”
Is Love True?
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp. “When I tell you I love you,” he asked, “why do you always lower your eyes?””To see if it’s true,” she answered shyly.
Want to be a fireman?
The fire chief pulls up to the fire and asks the seargent “how’s it going”? The sarg says “well chief, there’s two guy’s still inside that we can’t find”.The chief grabs a mask and runs inside. He’s looking all through the building. He opens a door in the back and there’s one of the firemen fucking the other fireman, who’s passed out, in the ass. “Hey” the chief yell’s “you are supposed to be giving that guy mouth to mouth”. the fireman looks at him and says “how do you think this got started”?
Tell it to her on Tuesday.
Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Saturday?
A. Tell it to her on Tuesday.
There is nothing so habit-forming
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
A Kiss and A Slap
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The General manager is setting there thinking: “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!
Winking Man
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.””But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!””Really? Great! Show me!”So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.”Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!””Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!””Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?””Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”