Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?A: “Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime.”
Author: admin
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.”The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.” The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?” He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”
Scientist’s Day Off
A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was
supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research.
His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.
“Sir, why don’t you take the day off today”, he said, “I’ve
heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I
can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax.”
The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick
and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.
When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the
chauffeur’s hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture
hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an
excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the
scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked,
just as his master always does, “Are there any questions?”
One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long
question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter.
The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull
himself together.
“That, professor, is a very simple question,” he answered, “in
fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it.”
Fallen
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.”
El fin de semana pasado,
El fin de semana pasado, estaba paseando tranquilamente por la playa, cuando de repente me encontr� con una l�mpara vieja. La levant� y la frot� para quitarle el polvo y… �sorpresa!, sali� de ella un genio de esos que todos conocen, que me dijo: “Ok, ok, ya, ya, me has liberado de la l�mpara, qu� fastidio, �sta es la s�ptima vez en el mes que alguien me libera, y ya me estoy cansando de tener que cumplir 3 deseos; de manera que solamente te voy a cumplir UNO, as� que pi�nsalo muy bien…”
Me tom� mi tiempo pensando el exclusivo deseo, y al fin le dije al genio:
“�Sabes?, me gustar�a poder ir a Espa�a siempre que yo quisiera, pero sale muy caro ir en avi�n y viajar en barco me marea y tarda mucho, as� que �podr�as construirme un puente desde aqu� hasta Madrid, para que me pueda ir manejando en mi Ferrari?”
El genio se solt� a re�r a carcajadas, y me dijo, “Eso es imposible, piensa un poquito; d�nde se supone que se va a apoyar el puente en medio del Atl�ntico, piensa en todo el cemento y concreto que se necesitar�a, en el acero, y todo ese trabajo. No, no, no tienes consideraci�n, piensa en otro deseo m�s realista, por favor”.
Me qued� fr�o con la respuesta del genio, pero lo medit� un rato y llegu� a la conclusi�n de que era pedir demasiado, as� que me sent� a pensar en otro deseo m�s realista. Despu�s de discurrir largo tiempo le dije al genio:
“Mira Genio, he tenido cinco novias y siempre me reclamaban que no las ten�a en cuenta, que no les entend�a y que yo era muy insensible con ellas. As� que te pido que me hagas capaz de entender a las mujeres, saber qu� est�n pensando cuando no me dirigen la palabra, saber por qu� lloran sin motivo aparente, y saber qu� es lo que tienen cuando te dicen que no les pasa nada.”
El genio se qued� mir�ndome un buen rato, solt� un profundo suspiro y me dijo:
“�De cu�ntos carriles quieres tu puente?”
Torture Your Roommate During Holidays
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he
tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash
on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap.
Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming
to town…”
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or
leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal
and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very
naughty this year.”
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain
about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. “You know, I
saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last
night.”)
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front
teeth…”
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of
Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its
head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t
work!”
13. Whip your roommate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now
Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
14. Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling
“Bah Humbug!”
15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future,
please have mercy on my soul!”
16. Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a
house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best
parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s
friends “give it a yank.”
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings
an angel gets his wings.”
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole
Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up
sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping…”
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.
When your roommate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay
here, there’s no room at the inn.”
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her
possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
Bingo Card
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.
Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,”Honey look what I won at bingo”.
Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.
The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – “Honey shall I draw you a bath?” To which she replies “Why sure”.
As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.
She asks “how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?”
To which the husband replies…
“I wouldn’t want you to get your bingo card wet”!
Sure
Why Do Irishmen Wear 2 Condoms??
To be sure, to be sure
Pet Alligator
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A good driver
What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn’t?
A good driver. (I know…very bad taste!)
Dumb fishermen
Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so
fast, they have to go back early.
“This is so great,” says the first guy. “We should mark the spot so we can
come here again.”
“You’re right�, says the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a
big X on the bottom of the boat.
They head back to shore and just as they’re about to dock, the first guy looks
at the second guy and says, “But what if we don’t get the same boat next time?”
I hate my mother-in-law
“I hate my mother-in-law,” Larry tells his buddy Harry.
“But without her, you wouldn’t have your wife.”
“And that’s another reason why I hate her�.