A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she
comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs
the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging
and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde
responds to the husband, “shut up … you’re next!”
Author: admin
Unengaged Brain
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
— Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.
— Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
I haven’t committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history… this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them less safe.
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
I’ve always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
New Canadian Flag
Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
Pay for your past bills
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
Q: How many aides
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan’s light bulb?A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
The Rules
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notifications.
3. No male can possilby know all the rules. Nearly all females are born
with this knowledge.
4. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she may immediately
change some or all the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which is
the direct result of a male having said or done something wrong.
7. If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for the
misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male can never change his mind without the express written consent
of a female.
11. The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or
not she want him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to change the rules could result in severe bodily harm.
Can we see the baby
some reliyivs com buy to see the new baby.
we asked can we see the new baby?
not yet said the 65 year old mother.
canwe see it now? not yet.thirty minits past.
can we see the baby now?not yet.
can we see it now?not yet.growingvery impatentthey asked well when can we see it.
when it crys. when it crys why do we have to wate till it crys.
BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT IT!!!!!!
buy,
chance
hockeborn!!!
Size
your mommas so fat she put on a red rain coat and all the kids said fruit punch.
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?” The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
There is nothing so small
There is nothing so small that it can’t be blown out of proportion.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Christian Trained Pe
A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching. At a kennel specialising in Christian trained pets, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show off his Bible fetching ability.The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Yo momma so fat
yo momma so fat shes just fat