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Tricky Questions

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Jon and Dan were in a mental institution.

This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions.

If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”

Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”

“That’s correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?”

“I’d be completely blind.”

The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan.

He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in.

The doctor went through the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”

Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.

“What would happen if I cut off both your ears?” “I’d be completely blind.”

“Dan, how can you explain that you’d be blind?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” replied Dan, “if I didn’t have any ears, my hat would fall over my eyes!”

Tiger woods in bed.

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On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
“I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man” she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers …well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he’s not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon “thing”. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asked his bride.
“I’m calling for room service. After all that work I’m hungry!”

The wife says, “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Really! Just what would TIGER do?” says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you’re not calling room service are you!!!!
“NO, says the exhausted hubby”!
“Well who are you calling then, she asks.”

I’m calling Tiger Woods…
I want to see what par is for this hole!

$5 prostitute

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Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”

appeal

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An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

With the door

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A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a
courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking
along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian
lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a
ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer
walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he
remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump”
and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, “Father, I’m sure that I missed that
lawyer.”

And the priest replied, “That’s OK, my son, I got him with the
door.”

Something Fishy

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One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I’ll recognize it and be of more help.” So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, “That’s the Johnson Model 9400. It’ll be $40.00.”

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, “That’ll be fifty dollars.”

Fifty dollars?!?!” the woman exclaimed. “You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!”

“Yes, I did”, said the owner, “But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.”