Author: admin

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. “Want to hear the worlds’s worst Polish Joke?”

#2 says “Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? They’re Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? They’re Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, I’m Polish too!!! Now….. still want to tell that joke?”

“Hell no!”, replies #1, “I don’t want to have to explain it 6 times!”

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

Thinking quickly the supervisor radios back and says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels…… just lean on each other until they arrive.”

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievious. Whenever
something went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had
a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to
control them. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with
delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they
ask the minister to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request. He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and
alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat
the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For
about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, “Where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, “Where
is God?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose,
and asked “Where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the
closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally
said, “We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it.”

Top 10 reasons for being French:1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay. 2. You own half the world’s perfume industry and still never use deodorant. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs’ legs. 4. If there’s a war, you can surrender really early.5. You don’t have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.Top 10 reasons for being Italian:1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.3. No need to worry about tax returns.4. Glorious military history… well, till about 400 AD.5. You can wear sunglasses inside.6. Political stability.7. Flexible working hours.8. You live near the Pope.9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend’s armpit hair.10. Sicilian murderers run your country.Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans. 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.6. Honesty.7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.9. Gibraltar.10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.Top 10 reasons for being Indian:1. Chicken Madras.2. Lamb Passanda. 3. Onion Bhaji.4. Bombay Potato.5. Chicken Tikka Masala.6. Rogan Josh.7. Popadoms.8. Chicken Dopiaza.9. Meat Bhuna.10. Kingfisher Lager.Top 10 reasons for being American:1. You can have a woman President – without electing her.2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.3. You can call Budweiser beer.4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.9. You can call everyone you’ve ever met `buddy’.10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth when you’re not at all.Top 10 reasons for being English:1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.2. Warm beer.3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.5. Union Jack underpants.6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.7. You can live in the past and imagine you’re still a world power.8. You can bathe once a week – whether you need to or not.9. Ditto – changing underwear.10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:1. You’ve got to be joking haven’t you?Top 10 reasons for being Irish:1. Guinness.2. You have 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.4. Your pubs never close.5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex with a condom on.6. No one can ever remember the night before.7. You kill people you don’t agree with.8. Stew.9. More Guinness.10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.Top 10 reasons for being Australian:1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britain’s largest ‘open prison’.2. Foster’s Lager.3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.5. Your tact and sensitivity.6. Bondi Beach.7. Other beaches.8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock. 2. Beer.3. Rugby.4.See above. 5. See above. 6. See above. 7. See above. 8. See above. 9. See above. 10. You get to hate everyone else… unless it’s their round.

Cierto d�a un hombre llega a un bar, antes de entrar promete no emboracharse… como garant�a dice:

“Para saber cuanto puedo tomar y parar para no emboracharme, cuando acabe de tomar una botella saldr� del bar y leer� los avisos que quedan frente como referencia, y as� sabr� cuando ya est� borracho.”

Entra el hombre al bar, se toma la primera botella y sale al frente del bar y lee los siguientes letreros: NOTARIA – CACHARRERIA – HERRERIA y dice: “estoy bien, estoy bien, todav�a no me emboracho.

A los trenita minutos sale nuevamente y tambale�ndose de un lado a otro lee nuevamente: NOTARIA – CACHARRERIA – HERRERIA.

Luego de otra hora sale el hombre que apenas puede mantenerse de pie diciendo:

“Ahora voy a leer por que estoy bien, estoy bien…”

Arruga el ce�o y dice:

“No te r�as Candelaria Herrera…”