Roll Your Own

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

Confused, she says, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons
for your wife?”

“You see it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure, she too can roll
her own.”

Excuses when caught sleeping

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to.”

“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?”

“Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem.”

“The coffee machine is broken…”

” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Circumspection

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to piss.

One says, ‘Your thingy doesn’t have any skin on it.’

‘I’ve been circumcised,’ the other one says.

‘What’s that mean?’

‘It means they cut the skin off at the end.’

‘How old were you when it was cut off?’

‘My mum said I was two days old.’

‘Did it hurt?’

‘You bet it hurt. I couldn’t walk for a year.’

Trigonometry

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said “Great! Be sure and give him lot’s of that there triggernometry! He’s got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!”

Meet together again

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”

In the Navy

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from
Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of
water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder
and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and
harass English shipping.

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour
and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution
reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds
of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew
captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took
aboard their rum. By this time, Constitution had run out of
shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth
of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured
a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons on board
and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston
with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no
whiskey. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475
officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is
quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days Booze
consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT
include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the
12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this
cruise was 92%.

Where do I sign up???