Blind man sniffs wood.

A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.

The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says “Inspecting wood.”
The owner laughs and says “But you’re blind!”

The blind man replies, “Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is.”

The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, “Tell me what kind of wood this is.”

The blind man plainly replies “It’s pine.”

The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.

The owner thinks for a bit, then says, “I have one more piece for you to smell.”

He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretary’s crotch.

The blind man replies, “Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!”

Sex Education

My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

“Mom, I’m pregnant.”

“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”

“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

“I’m glad the electric chair is the only method…

“I’m glad the electric chair is the only method of capital punishment that
involves powered furniture. Just imagine being executed by an adjustable
bed.”

– Paul Paternoster

“I’ve heard people say the electric chair is “cruel and unusual”, but I
think it’s a lot quicker and more humane than its predecessor, the steam
chair.”

– Claire Voltaire, inspired by Paul Paternoster

George W. Bush and the Jews

President Bush call in the head of the CIA and ask, “How come the Jews know
everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, “It’s simple. The Jews have an expression, ‘Nu, Vus Tutus’
(English translation: What’s Happening). They just ask each other and that’s how
they find out everything.”

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how
this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an
Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is
secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights,
one of Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish
man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers “Nu, Vus Tutus?”

The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear that puts Bush is in Brooklyn?”

Horse Sense

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: ‘What was that for?’Wife: ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’ Man: ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.’ The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: ‘What the hell was that for this time?’ Wife: ‘Your horse called.’

A canadian usuma bin larden and uncle sam

there was three guys walking a long a road there was a canadian usuma bin larden and uncel sam.

they came across a lamp and picked it up and rubed it out came a geini it said “you can have 1 wish each for there are three of you and makes a grand totall of 3 wishes”.

so the canadian wishes for all the soil in canada to be firtil and it was and there he was in canada.

then usuma bin larden said “i want you to build a wall around afghanistan so no one can get in or out” the geini granted his wish and he was home with a big wall around afghanistan.

uncle sam was intrested in usama bin larden wish and asked how big is this wall the geini replied “it is 150,000 high and invicebal to all atacks” uncel sam says after a while

“fill it with water”

Peace Keeping Missio

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?””Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

El DAS ten�a una vacante

El DAS ten�a una vacante para un asesino. Estas posiciones altamente calificadas son duras de llenar y hay muchas pruebas y verificaci�n de referencias implicadas antes de que usted pueda incluso ser considerado para la posici�n.

Despu�s de evaluar a algunos aspirantes a trav�s de las verificaciones, entrenamientos y pruebas, las opciones se redujeron a dos hombres y una mujer para la �nica posici�n disponible.

Lleg� el d�a de la prueba final para definir qui�n conseguir�a el trabajo. Los agentes que administraban la prueba llevaron a uno de los hombres a una puerta grande de metal y le dieron un arma.

“Debemos confirmar que usted seguir� nuestras instrucciones sin importar bajo qu� circunstancias. Dentro de este sitio, usted encontrar� a su esposa sentada en una silla. Tome esta arma y m�tela”.

El hombre, con una mirada de asombro, respondi�:

“Usted no puede estar hablando en serio. Yo nunca podr�a matar a mi propia esposa”.

“Bien. Entonces, usted definitivamente no es la persona adecuada para este trabajo”.

As�, que trajeron al segundo hombre a la misma puerta, le entregaron el arma y le explicaron los mismos par�metros de la prueba. El segundo hombre mir� algo sobresaltado, pero sin embargo tomo el arma y entr� al cuarto. Todo estuvo en silencio por cerca de 5 minutos, entonces la puerta se abri�. El hombre sali� del cuarto con l�grimas en sus ojos y dijo:

“Intent� matarla, pero simplemente no pude halar el gatillo. Supongo que no soy el hombre adecuado para el trabajo”.

“No, usted no tiene lo que se necesita para esto. Tome a su esposa y vaya a casa”.

Ahora s�lo les quedaba la mujer. La conducen a la misma puerta y le dan la misma arma.

“Como prueba final, debemos estar seguros de que usted seguir� las instrucciones sin importar las circunstancias. Adentro encontrar� a su marido sentado en una silla. Tome esta arma y m�telo”.

La mujer tom� el arma y abri� la puerta. Antes, incluso de que la puerta se cerrara completamente, los agentes oyeron a la mujer descargar, uno por uno, cada tiro disponible en el cargador.

Entonces el mismo infierno se apoder� de aquel cuarto. Se oyeron gritos, desgarramientos, golpes en las paredes. Esto continu� por varios minutos y finalmente todo qued� en silencio. La puerta se abri� lentamente y all� estaba parada la mujer. Se limpi� el sudor de la frente y dijo:

“�Mierda! No me dijeron que el arma estaba cargada con balas de salva, as� que tuve que matarlo a co�azos con la silla”.

Injury Claim

A farmer who has been involved in a terrible road accident with
a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation
claim. “I understand your claiming damages for the injuries you
supposed to have suffered?” Stated the counsel for the insurance
company. “Yes, thats’ right,” replied the farmer, nodding his
head.

“You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the attending police
officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, ‘I’ve never
felt better inn my life.’ Is that the case?” “Yeah, but…”
stammered the farmer. “A simple yes or not will suffice,”
council interrupted quickly. “Yes,” Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer’s council to ask him
questions. “Please tell the court the exact circumstance of
events following the accident when you made your statement of
health,” his lawyer said. “Certainly,” replied the farmer.
“After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken
leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes
along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he
goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then
he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now,
mate, what the hell would you have said to him?”