Author: admin

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn’t a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, “Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back.”The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, “I beg your pardon?””Get three chairs for my Baptist friends,” repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.”Three chairs. For the Baptists,” he enunciated.The usher’s face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.”All right, everybody,” he called out to the assembled worshipers.”Three cheers for the Baptists!”

what do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?

mud slid.

A night-club owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain the customers.

After several performances, he discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of his valuables.

He notified the police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, the owner called a friend who knew some musicians.

“What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked.

“I had him arrested,” the owner replied.

His friend asked, “How badly did he play?”

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance
evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ”Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has
started to dig.”
(2) ”His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid
curiosity.’
(3) ”I would not allow this employee to breed.”
(4) ”This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a
definite ‘won’t be’.”
(5) ”Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
(6) ”When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet.”
(7) ”He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
(8) ”This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
(9) ”He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”
(10) ”This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
(11) ”This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the
better.”
(12) ”Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.”
(13) ”A gross ignoramus�144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.”
(14) ”He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
(15) ”He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
(16) ”I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
(17) ”He’s been working with glue too much.”
(18) ”He would argue with a signpost.”
(19) ”He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.”
(20) ”He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
(21) ”When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
(22) ”If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ….. he’s the other
one.”
(23) ”A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
(24) ”A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
(25) ”Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
(26) ”Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
(27) ”Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
(28) ”If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
(29) ”If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
(30) ”If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
(31) ”It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”
(32) ”One neuron short of a synapse.”
(33) ”Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;….. he only gargled.”
(34) ”Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
(35) ”The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

“Haven’t you been examined like this before?” asks the doctor.

“Many times,” she giggles, “but never by doctor!”