If your ass were any jiggly, Bill Cosby would have to stick a spoon
in it.
Author: admin
Suicide
yo mama is so stupid she tried commiting suicide by jumping out the basement window
It is easier to get
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
A Sweet Ass Story
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, �Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?�
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream �Oh Henry, Oh Henry!�
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, �Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.� I said, �Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?�
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, �Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!� as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If…
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.He paints the starship John Deere green.He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.He sets phaser to “Cajun”.
LA SECRETAR�A DE LA DEFENSA
LA SECRETAR�A DE LA DEFENSA NACIONAL, CONVOCA:
Por medio de este conducto, hace de su conocimiento que los integrantes de las clases 66 a 82, reservas consecutivas regulares y remisos, deber�n ser reclutados en el EJ�RCITO MEXICANO a la brevedad posible, de conformidad con lo dispuesto en el art�culo 15 de la Ley del SERVICIO MILITAR NACIONAL.
Los mencionados deber�n presentarse durante los meses de octubre, noviembre y diciembre del a�o en curso, en las instalaciones de la zona militar de su adscripci�n.
Lo anterior fue dispuesto por el C. Presidente de la Rep�blica, en su car�cter de Jefe Supremo de las fuerzas armadas, con la aprobaci�n del Senado de la Rep�blica, con el prop�sito de reforzar la presencia del Ej�rcito y Fuerza A�rea estadounidense en Afganist�n, en virtud de la agudizaci�n del conflicto y las bajas de �stos.
En espera de las instrucciones y pasos a seguir, se recibir� un entrenamiento en las instalaciones militares mencionadas, recibiendo el equipo necesario para dicha tarea, como son: resorteras misil�sticas de alto poder; pa�uelos antigases; condones protectores por aquello de las dudas; bicicletas blindadas; bombas molotov; pepsilindros con Tang para que no mueran de sed; un submarino Marinela, as� como su respectiva dotaci�n de mota para agarrar valor.
Cabe mencionar que, en caso de caer prisioneros, autom�ticamente pasar�n a chingar a su madre.
Yo Mama Genesis
Yo Mama is so fat and old, when God said “Let there be light” he immediately said to her “Get your fat ass out of the way.”
The Top 14 Speech Lines Written by Us, Top5, for You, Al Gore
14> “The main reason I invented the Internet was to distribute my previous invention: pornography!”
13> “Just call me Al, the happy President-to-be who makes jokes and solves political problems.”
12> “I’m so glad to be here in Iowa, because it was here that I invented corn.”
11> “I have here in my pocket today’s Top 5 List.”
10> “Together, let us cross that bridge into the 21st Century built by my worthy predecessor, and open up a can of whup-ass on the blues! Band, hit me one time!”
9> “I gotta tell ya folks… I just got finished inventing the Internet, and boy are my arms tired!”
8> “It’s the economy, Chester!”
7> “Some of my best ideas come to me when I’m driving around your beautiful city of Toledo, listening to the radio.”
6> “People of America, I KISS YOU!!!!!!!”
5> “The world today is at a crossroads; down one path are problems like fleebellism, shwarnicles, and popoputputs; and down the other path are my speech writers who borrow material from the Internet without proofreading it.”
4> “Here’s the thing that puzzles me: I have 4 kids, but Tipper and I have only had sex twice.”
3> “It’s unconscionable that, in this age of high-tech communication, I can’t put on a long, flowing gown, go out to the Rose Garden, run barefoot and writhe around in the grass, just because I feel pretty.”
2> “Four-score and seven years ago… Hey, that reminds me: Did I mention I invented Lincoln Logs?!”
1> “You want excitement? Go to Bosnia.
You want a Chief Executive, come to Daddy.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]Un tipo llega a su
Un tipo llega a su casa completamente borracho y como pudo abri� la puerta; a gatas encontr� su cuarto y, �por supuesto!, su mujer estaba hecha una fiera. Al fulano no le import� y se tir� a dormir. La esposa, desconsolada, alega consigo misma:
“�Vida desgraciada la m�a, haberme casado con este imb�cil, borrach�n y desconsiderado!”
En esas estaba, cuando el marido empieza a roncar espantosamente y la mujer, que ard�a de la rabia, chilla:
“Lo que faltaba, que empezara a roncar y no me deje dormir”.
Entonces, se acord� de un viejo truco para curar los ronquidos, el cual consist�a en colocarle en el pene, una medalla del Divino Ni�o.
La mujer encontr� una medalla y, con cuidado, se la amarr� al esposo. Al d�a siguiente, el hombre se levanta en medio de la resaca, va al ba�o y cuando empieza a orinar nota la medalla y exclama:
“�C�mo habr� culiado de rico anoche, que hasta me lo condecoraron!”
payback
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady
was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given to her
for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor
that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate
disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judges eyes.
You’re a school teacher, eh?” he said. “madam, i shall realize
my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a school
teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘i
will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”
Knock Knock 119
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Louisiana!
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend split up!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucerne!
Lucerne who?
Lucerne some maths today!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucinda!
Lucinda who?
Lucinda in the sky with diamonds…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucretia!
Lucretia who?
Lucretia from the Black Lagoon!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Luigi!
Luigi who?
Luigi board!
Jewish Parrot
A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and enquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:
M: “Do you speak English?”
P: “Yes.”
M: “Hablas Espanol?”
P: “Si!”
M: “Parlez vouz Francaise?”
P: “Oui!”
M: “Sprechen sie Deutsch?”
P: “Jawohl!”
M: “Falas Portugues?”
P: “Sim.”
etc…
After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, “Do you speak Yiddish?”
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: “Nu? Mit a nose like dis, vot you tink?”