Author: admin

More Redneck One-liners!

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You just might be a Redneck if:

You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House…

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Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House intern one day at a
gathering. The President says to her, “Would you like to come to the Oval
office and see my clock?”

She says, “No, Mr. President, I don’t think so.”

The President replies, “Please. I’d really like to show it to you.”

“No, Mr. President, I really can’t.”

“Come on. Come and see my clock. It’ll only take a minute.”

“All right. If it won’t take long.”

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, unzips his
pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, “That’s not a clock, it’s a cock.”

To which the President says, “If you put two hands and a face on it, it’s a
clock sweetheart.”

Wine Warnings

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Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to they sings like this.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without Spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.

Fishing

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Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamt I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamt you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

How to get a ride home

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Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is “Your Passionate.”They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “Your Passionate.” The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live.She replied I keep trying to tell you: “Your Passin It!”