QUESTION-IF A BRUNETTE AND A BLONDE WERE TO JUMP OFF A BUILDING WHO WOULD HIT THE GROUND FIRST?
ANSWER- THE BRUNETTE CAUSE THE BLONDE HAS TO GO FIND DIRECTIONS!
Author: admin
You get chirps; it can’t be tweeted because it�s a
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirps; it can’t be tweeted because it�s a canary�s disease.
Let there be Light!
Your mamma’s so fat that berfore God could say “let there be light”, he
had to tell her to move her fat ass out the way.
Show him how its done
This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.
She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guys arm off getting him and the frog to her appartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.
The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.
Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”
MURPHY’S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one
you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be
so many.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to
be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for
everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always
enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to
whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Duck vs. Doctor
What can a duck do that a doctor won’t?
Stick his bill up his ass!
Algunos de los mejores (o
Algunos de los mejores (o peores) momentos de la vida son:
Enamorarse… y descubrir que el implicado(a) es homosexual.
Re�rse hasta que te duela la panza… y que se te salga una ruidosa flatulencia en medio de todos tus amigos.
Encontrar miles de correos electr�nicos cuando vuelves de las vacaciones… pero todos son cadenas aburridas y bobas (como �sta) o publicidad o peor a�n, virus del Sircam.
Manejar por alg�n lugar lindo… y chocar por andar baboseando.
Escuchar tu canci�n favorita en la radio… porque tu CD player se descompuso.
Acostarte en tu cama y escuchar como llueve afuera… para despu�s sentir las goteras del techo.
Salir de la ducha y encontrar que la toalla est� calientita… pero porque tu perro se durmi� sobre ella.
Aprobar tu �ltimo examen… pero teni�ndole que dar un buen billete al maestro.
Recibir una llamada de alguien que hace mucho no ves… para pedirte dinero prestado.
Una buena conversaci�n… con un agente del tr�nsito que te agarr� en la movida.
Re�rse de uno mismo… cuando te miras al espejo.
Escuchar accidentalmente que alguien dice que est�s guapo(a)… pero quien lo dice es tu mam�.
Escuchar la canci�n que te hacer recordar a ‘esa’ persona especial… cuando te acaba de cortar.
Ser parte de un equipo… de asalta microbuses.
El primer beso en los labios… a alguien de tu mismo sexo.
Hacer nuevos amigos… pero entre los amigos de lo ajeno.
Sentir cosquillitas en la panza cada vez que ves a ‘esa’ persona… cuando otro(a) se la est� agasajando sabroso.
Ver felices a las personas que quieres… pero felices porque te vas a mudar a Siberia.
Volver a ver a un viejo amigo y sentir que las cosas no cambiaron… porque los dos siguen igual de pobres.
Mirar un atardecer… s�, el atardecer de tu existencia.
Tener a una pareja que te diga que te quiere… que te quiere mandar al diablo.
Re�rse sin motivos… a causa de la esquizofrenia que te est� dando.
Este correo-e es para comprobar qu� tan supersticioso eres. Si se lo reenv�as a m�s de veinte personas en menos de cinco minutos, te garantizamos que te sacar�s la loter�a (�aunque no hayas comprado ning�n boleto!). Si no lo haces, alguno de tus hijos se volver� gay. El origen de este correo-e est� en indochina, en el siglo XVII y da suerte a quien lo obedece y hace desgraciado a quien lo borra (que no te enga�en, en Indochina ya tienen correo electr�nico desde ese entonces). �En serio, es infalible, le pas� a mi compadre que se encontr� un billete de loter�a en el piso… y era el premio gordo!
Urinate
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”
What’s the difference between an [ethnic]…
What’s the difference between an [ethnic] man and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
3 men in Saudi
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.
For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.
The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.
The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Free Drinks
A bloke in a bar downs a couple of beers, and the blond
bartender informs him he owes $4. “But I paid, don’t you
remember?” says the customer. “Okay,” says the bartender, “If
you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells
the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of
whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt. The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take
your word for it.”
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar
and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender
leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here
tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to
get punched right in the nose.”
“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.
“Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
Estaban dos gallinas en un
Estaban dos gallinas en un gallinero muy aburridas, pues no hab�a que hacer, entonces una le dice a la otra:
“Oye manis, qu� te parece si jugamos haber quien pone el huevo mas grande.”
Contesta la otra: “Claro comadre, �por qu� no?”
Y empiezan las dos a hacer ganas y fuerzas. Jum,jum, comienzan a pujar. Despues de 2 horas, dice una:
“Ya casi, ya casi sale, jum, sali�.”
Era un huevo del doble de tama�o que uno normal.
“A ver, g�name.”
Y sigue la otra pujando. Despu�s de dos horas:
“Jum, jum, lo logr�… sali�.”
El huevo era enorme, m�s grande que uno de avestruz. Ella contenta le dice a su amiga:
“Ya viste comadre, �c�mo te quedo el ojo?”
Y contesta la otra:
“Y a ti �c�mo te quedo el culo?”