A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them ‘How do you like it so far?’ The mouse replied ‘It’s great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?’ God said ‘Sure’, and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him ‘How do you like it up here so far?’ and the cat replied ‘Great, I didn’t know you had meals on wheels up here!’
Author: admin
A man in a hot air balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I
am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I
am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
Ken’s Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:”S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”. These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can”push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we’ve talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he’s mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
On a store front in
On a store front in Florida: “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!” A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: “Smile, You’re on Radar!” Seen in a State Park in California: “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
El mexicano no se emborracha:
El mexicano no se emborracha: �Se pone hasta atr�s!
El mexicano no saluda: Te dice �qu� onda, g�ey?
El mexicano no tiene amigos: Tiene compas.
El mexicano no se cae: Se da un chingadazo.
El mexicano no se burla de ti: Te echa carrilla.
El mexicano no convence: Tira choro
El mexicano no se atreve: Se lanza a lo macho.
El mexicano no besuquea: Faja.
El mexicano no molesta: Chinga.
El mexicano no flatula: Se pedorrea.
El mexicano no holgazanea: Echa la hueva.
El mexicano no te ve la cara: Te hace pendejo.
El mexicano no se ba�a: Se lo lava.
El mexicano no se molesta: Se encabrona.
El mexicano no te golpea: Te agarra a chingadazos.
El mexicano no te ordena: Te manda a la de a huevo.
El mexicano no se encuentra fastidiado: �Est� hasta la madre!
El mexicano no sufre de diarrea: Se desfunde del culo.
El mexicano no fracasa: La caga.
El mexicano no duerme: Se echa una jeta
El mexicano no sale corriendo: Sale en chinga loca.
El mexicano no r�e hasta m�s no poder: Se caga de la risa.
El mexicano no eyacula: Se deja venir.
Al mexicano no le es dif�cil: �Est� cabr�n!
El mexicano no se masturba: Se la jala.
El mexicano no ignora las cosas: Se las pasa por los huevos.
El mexicano no pide prestado: Tira un sablazo.
El mexicano no le hace el amor a una mujer: Se la coge.
El mexicano no se resbala: Se va de nalgas.
El mexicano no es cobarde: Es puto.
El mexicano no come: Se echa un taco.
El mexicano no va r�pido: Va hecho la madre.
El mexicano no pelea: Se agarra a madrazos.
El mexicano no es listo: �Es ching�n!
El mexicano no pide que lo lleven: Pide un avent�n.
Al mexicano no le hacen sexo oral: Se la maman.
El mexicano no es un tipo alegre: �Es poca madre!
El mexicano no orina: Se echa una firma.
El mexicano no te insulta: �Te mienta la madre!
Al mexicano no le hacen la circuncisi�n: Le pelan el chile.
El mexicano no es mujeriego: �Es un cabr�n!
El mexicano no tiene suerte: Se raya.
El mexicano no es intransigente: �S�lo se le hinchan los huevos!
El mexicano no es grosero: �Es un pinche l�pero mal hablado!
El mexicano no es corrupto: �Es un tr�cala!
El mexicano no se muere: �Se lo lleva la chingada!
El mexicano no es cualquier cosa: es MEXICANO.
As� que si eres mexicano manda esto a todos los paisanos que conozcas.
�Viva M�xico, cabrones!
Q: How many lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Try to spell that name
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.She said, “I’m Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.”As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Llega la maestra ante el
Llega la maestra ante el director toda descompuesta y chilla:
“No trabajo un d�a m�s ac�, �RENUNCIO!”
“�Por qu�, si usted es nuestra mejor maestra?”, pregunta el director.
“Es que no soporto al alumno Jaimito, siempre me sale con una groser�a y ya no s� que hacer con �l…”
“No se preocupe, ahora que vienen los ex�menes pong�mosle una trampa para poder botarlo del colegio”.
Se ponen de acuerdo y la maestra esboza una sonrisa diciendo para sus adentros:
“Te jodiste, Jaimito, de �sta no te escapas”.
Llega el d�a del examen y la profesora les informa a los alumnos:
“Bien, ni�os, hoy vamos a hacer un examen diferente: yo les escribir� un n�mero en la pizarra y ustedes a trav�s de una canci�n har�n la suma y me dar�n el resultado, �estamos claros?”
“S�, s�”, contestan todos.
“A ver, Luisito, pase usted”.
Y la maestra escribe el n�mero 16 en la pizarra.
“Tienes 10 segundos para contestar”.
“�Maestra, lo tengo!”
“Dame la respuesta”.
“2 y 2 son 4, 4 y 2 son 6, 6 y 2 son 8, y 8 16”.
“Muy bien”.
Todos los ni�os aplauden.
“A ver, Juanito”.
“Diga, maestra”.
La maestra escribe el n�mero 60.
Nuevamente comienza el tic- tac… Y a los 7 segundos exclama Juanito:
“Maestra, lo tengo”.
“Dime, Juanito”.
Y Juanito comienza a cantar una canci�n de Jos� Jos�: “40 y 20, 40 y 20…”
“Muy bien”, le felicita la profesora y todos los ni�os aplauden.
Le toca el turno a Jaimito y la maestra, con una sonrisota y cara de sobrada, piensa:
“Ahora si te JODISTE”, y le escribe el 23 en la pizarra.
Comienza el tic- tac y Jaimito piensa:
“�Mierda, esta vaina est� muy jodida!”
Tic- tac… Y a los 9 segundos pregunta Jaimito:
“Maestra, �puedo rapear?”
“�Rapear?”, pregunta la maestra.
Y los dem�s ni�os gritan:
“�Que rapee, que rapee, que rapee…!”
“Bien”, acepta la maestra.
Y comienza Jaimito:
“Tchum tiquitachum tum… to toto, la maestra del co�o me vino a joder, con una sumatoria que debo resolver: Los dedos de mis manos, los dedos de mis pies, el palo y las dos bolas… �Suman veintitr�s!”
So Funny!
3 blondes are stranded on an island and they are trying to find a way off.
A magician comes along and says he will grant each of them one wish.
The first blond wishes that she was 1,000 times smarter so she gets that
and builds herself a plane and gets off the island. The second blonde
wishes to be 10,000 times smarter so when she is, she builds a boat and
sails off the island. The third one wishes to be a redhead so when she is,
she walks onto the bridge and onto the mainland.
Yo momma’s SO fat….
yo momma’s so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose!
Don’t Eat the Peanut Butter Sandwich
The 1st guy walks into a hotel and wants a room, but it is haunted the guy is sleeping when he hears,”Don’t eat the peanut butter sandwich.” He runs away. the 2nd guy gets the same room and hears the same thing and runs away. the 3d guy eats the sandwich and hears, “I told you once I told you twice I wiped my butt with the peanut butter slice!”
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.