A long time ago, way back then…we used to spell Canada, Cnd.
Why? you ask. Well it’s really simple…
It’s because we forgot the eh?
Author: admin
Why do the signs that
Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running
child?
Catholic Dog
A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancey went to the priest, saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Mike told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church; however, there’s a new denomination down the road a piece…not sure of their beliefs…but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Clancey said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Mike replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”
Fine Dining
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.”I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.”Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.”Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.””I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.”Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says�”Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”
The Guy Rules
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…. and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.12. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
Sneaky Cucumber
A woman was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark all the time. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp, only to discover a cucumber in his hand. “THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 10 years?” “Honey! Let me explain!” “Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent SOB!!” “Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “Maybe you’d care to explain our 2 kids submitted by: Lisa
Brace yourself
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Rude elephant riddle
Q…Why should elephants wear condoms on their feet??A…Because if they stand on you, you’re fucked!!!
Mirrors
why do guys like to fuck infront of mirrors. cause objects apear bigger.
You haul more than U-Haul.Your
You haul more than U-Haul.Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Like riding a bike!
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It’s best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it’s best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It’s easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.
6. It’s usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It’s best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it’s usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it’s nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin’ Bikes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Bad Catholic Joke
Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.
They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.
Social worker – “We should give these seats to the children”. Lawyer – “Dont be stupid, fuck the children!” Catholic priest – “Do you really think we’ve got time”?