The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
Author: admin
Your mommas so fat……
your momma is soo fat the only thing stopping her from going to jenny craig is the door.
What’s a pussy?
Junior, curious about some words he saw on the bathroom wall asked, “Mom, what’s a pussy?”
Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, “That’s a pussy, son. A pussy is a kitty cat.”
“What’s a bitch, then?” inquired the precocious little tyke.
Mom got the dictionary out and said, “See, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog.”
Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Pops dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, “That’s a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too.”
“Well, what’s a bitch, then?” asked Junior.
“That’s everything outside the circle.”
Blondes mum dies
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
To which the blonde replies… “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly states…”No.. I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual… “If you need anything just let me know.”
Well… a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde…he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!
He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now… are you gonna be okay??”
“No…” exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!”
Job for Mom
In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride’s insistence, stayed in a hotel near her family’s home.
Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.
“Mother, Mother!” cried the girl, “He says that we should sleep together!”
“It’s alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.”
“Oh.” said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
“Mother, mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!”
“It’s alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don’t let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.”
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
“Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!”
“Stand back, girl!” says the mother, “This is a job for a real woman!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Penis contest
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.
“Let’s see who has the largest dick,” he says.
“Okay,” they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
“That’s nothing,” says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. “Wow, that thing is huge!” they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American’s mother asks him what he did at school today.
“Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book …and during recess, my friends and I played “Let’s see who has the largest dick.”
“What kind of game is that, honey?” says the mother.
“Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I’m black. Is that true, Mom?”
The mom replies: “No, honey. It’s because you’re twenty-three.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Ghostly Giggle
Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
Because you can see right through him.
Saddam’s Personal Note
After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Saddam is still alive”, Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn’t figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service… the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Capt.. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: “Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down…”
Football Coach
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
because he wanted to get his quarter back
Some Nursery Rhymes
Twinkle, Twinkle, little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon the parking lot
As I eat my girlfrieds twat
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn’t meat her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he’s gay
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
And licked her asshole clean.
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.
Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next bock.
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
All wrinkled and hairy
It smelled like a ten year old sock.
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my tote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Morgan P.S.
Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
Little Johnny’s Prognosis
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her
Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room
– yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did
nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor,
“I hope you don’t mind my Little Johnny playing in there.”
“No, not at all,” said the doctor calmly. “I’m sure he’ll calm down as soon as
he finds the poison.”