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He aqu� algunos anuncios:
1) Buscotecladodecomputadoraquecontengabarraespaciadora.
2) Cambio cond�n roto por ropa para beb�.
3) Cambio suegra por boa constrictora. Pago la diferencia.
4) Cambio mujer can�bal por pene ortop�dico.
5) Cambio libros escolares de 6� a�o por revistas porno.
6) Cambio secretaria de 60 por 3 de 20.
7) Busco cama con quincea�era incluida.
When I take a long time, I am slow.When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.When I don’t do it, I am lazy.When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.When my boss does the same, that is initiative.When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.When I do good, my boss never remembers.When I do wrong, he never forgets.
People who push both elevator buttons should get their wish.
A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very
rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and
behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league.
All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross betwen Larry Bird and
Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide
media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college
and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college
administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works
night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examinatin arrives, and the entire student body is there
to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first
question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration –
he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer,
“SEVEN”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give
him another chance. Give him another chance”.
A speeding car careens off the highway, crashes through a guardrail, goes flying off a cliff, rolls over a few times, bounces off a tree and finally stops in a gorge.
A passing pedestrian, who had witnessed the entire accident, rubs his eyes in amazement and then makes his way to the car, where he helps the miraculously unharmed driver from the wreck.
�Good Lord, mister,� the helpful pedestrian gasps. �Are you drunk?�
�Of course,� says the man, brushing dirt and broken glass from his shirt. �What the hell do you think I am, a stunt driver?�
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Calamjo
Se casan Manolo y la Pilarica. Ella est� nerviosa por su boda porque no es virgen, as� que acude con su madre y le explica la situaci�n:
�Ya no soy virgen y Manolo es muy machista, si se da cuenta me mata�.
�No te preocupes, lo que tienes que hacer es comprar un cuete; le sacas la p�lvora y te la pones en el asunto, se atorar� tanto que �l pensar� que eres virgen�.
Llega la boda, la fiesta, y por fin se van de luna de miel. Ya en el hotel, empiezan a entrar en calor y dice la Pilarica:
�Espera, Manolo, voy al tocador a prepararme para ser completamente tuya�.
�Est� bien, amor, no tardes�.
En el ba�o, la Pilarica saca un cuete enorme y se dice a si misma:
�Uno grande para evitar riesgos, no sea que por usar uno peque�o no rellene todo el hueco�.
Ya en la cama, a oscuras, se empiezan a acariciar, se besan, y cuando Manolo quiere hacer el amor, se encuentra con que no puede entrar dentro de su mujer. Se pone salivita y, a�n as�, no puede.
��Pero, qu� es lo que pasa, no puedo…?�
�Ay, mi amor, lo que pasa es que soy virgen�.
�S�, mi amor, pero es demasiado…�
Enciende un f�sforo y lo acerca a la parte �ntima de su mujer para averiguar cu�l es el problema; de pronto se oye una explosi�n y Manolo asustado pregunta:
��Qu� fue eso?�
��Ay, mi amor, es mi virginidad que vol� a los cielos!�
��Det�nla, Pilarica, que la muy desgraciada se ha llevado mis huevos!�
Jeffory Dohmer asks Lorrena Bobbit one day, Are you gonna eat that?
A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the
road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks,
“What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She
replies, “Oh, I see.”
They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare
having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He
answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.”
They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed.
They get in bed and start exploring each other’s body. She
discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That’s my rope.”
he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?”
“They are my knots,” he replies.
Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she
says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What’s the matter baby?” he
asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!”
what do u get when u cross a football team ?
aston vanilla
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can’t win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won’t swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Mormons are in left field.
Dunkers are down by three.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck”
“I see you’re eyes are working” replies the duck.
“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.
“I see you’re ears are working” says the duck, “now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly,” says the landlord, ” sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous” says the ringleader, “get him to give me a call.”
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, “Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
“At the circus” says the landlord.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.
“That’s right” replies the landlord.
“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle
“That’s right!” says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. “What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how
much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he
complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he
loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this
about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn’t be
better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst
into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the
worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!”