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Two men were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog.
All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One of the men looked down and said, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
The other man leaned around and said, “Go ahead, he looks like he’s friendly…”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Julie: I is…
Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, “I am.”
Julie: All right . . . “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Yo’ mama so dumb, she waited at a STOP sign until it said GO!
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, ‘Gentlemen, start
your engines’
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas
it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You never want the one you can afford.
Yo mama so dumb, she sits on the television and watches the sofa.
A redhead, a blond and a brunette were all pregnant at once.
They were very excited about their new arrivals, and were trying
to figure out what sex the baby will be.
“My baby will be a boy, because when we had sex my husband was
on top,” said the redhead.
“My baby is going to be a girl because I was on top during sex,
” says the brunette.
There was a few moments of silence, and then the blond exclaims,
“I’m going to have puppies!”
How do you kill a blonde?
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Put spikes in her shoulder pads and ask her what 1+1=
As she answers she moves her head side to side, “I don’t know”
Llega un borracho a la cantina:
“Me da un whisky doble”.
Se lo toma y le pregunta al cantinero:
“Oiga, �los ping�inos viven en el Polo Sur, verdad?”
“As� es, se�or”.
“Est� bien, tr�igame otro whisky doble”.
Despu�s vuelve a preguntarle:
“�Y esos ping�inos son negros con blanco?”
“S�, se�or”.
Pide otro whisky doble y al rato:
“Y los ping�inos miden menos de 90 cm, �cierto?”
“As� es, 90 cm aproximadamente”.
“�Ay, Dios m�o, entonces acabo de atropellar a una monja enana!”
The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.”
An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.””Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.””This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”
Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.