There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage, and after marriage.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
The Garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?”
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
Ford
What does Ford stand for?
Found On Rednecks Driveway!
Circular room
How do you confuse a blonde ?Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.
Fart Glossary
ART FART= it’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don’t stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You can’t control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every ‘can’ and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You can’t hear it, you can’t see it, and you can’t smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When you’re home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as ‘gas’.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper “PIG!”U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a “Unidentified Foul Odor”.
Rabbit and Bear
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!
Our Crazy Language
- Did you know that “verb” is a noun?
- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?
- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bite your tongue?
- If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?
- In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
- Is there another word for a synonym?
- Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
- What is another word for “thesaurus”?
- Where do swear words come from?
- Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
- Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
- Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
- Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
- Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
- Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
- Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
- Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?
- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
- Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
- Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
- Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
- Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where Are We?
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town
of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one blonde asked the manager, “Before we order,could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,…very slowly?”
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
“Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing.”
Did You Hear…?
As it rolls downhill…
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.
Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
__
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
How many physiotherapists?
None.
They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working
a bit better the next time they see it.
Quick, Spock! Beam me out of here!…
Quick, Spock! Beam me out of here!
Friends
“True Friends know the song of your heart and sing it back when
you have forgotten it.”