Author: admin

Bar & donkey

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Fred and his brother, “Donkey” walks into a pub and Fred gets the first pint
in and says, “I’ll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey.”

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, “Right donkey your round; I’ll
have a pint of Guinness.”

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, “2 p pints of g Guinness p please.”

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says,
“Say, you shouldn’t let him call you that stupid nickname.”

Donkey replies, “I know. He aw. He awe… he awwwwww, he always calls me
‘Donkey.'”

Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

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A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Let’s
both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink”. They tried it and sure enough the
ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors
had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
“Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this
point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen”.

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So…. 360
gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why
the ocean is so salty……

Breakfast

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A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say “Hell” and you say “ass.” The 4 year old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, “Ah hell, mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

“WHACK!” The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?” “I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”

College Pride

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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

Pretending You’re Married

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” he man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

Not Your Typical Chicken Joke

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Part of a the CIA’s specially trained elite team of fowl, this stealthy
chicken is on a perilous misson.

His object? No less than to uncover the secret documents of the infamous
Polish scientist, Dr. Poppycockski.

Dr. Poppycockski, code name: Cock, has outlandish, yet devilsihly clever plans
for total world domination, which begin with the great nation of Haiti.

The Greatest Son Of All

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3 old women were sitting around talking about how great their
son’s were. The first woman says, “I have the best son of all,
he is a preist.” Her son walks into the room and all the women
say, “Hello father.”

The second woman says, “Well, I can beat that, my son is a
Raibbi.” Her son enters in and they all say, “Hello Raibbi.”

The the third woman speaks and says, “I can beat both of you, my
son is a striper.” My son walks in and they all say, “Oh my god!”

Blonde Golfing

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Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, ‘OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?’

WINSTON CUP

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three surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon.
the first said,�i reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one
of the best pitchers in the major league.”
the second said,�i reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one
of the best place kickers in the nfl.”
the third surgeon could not be out done. he said,�i once stitched a mustache
to an a****** and he went on to become a seven time winston cup champion!”