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The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?!”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast!”
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange”!
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your
name and address?”
“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
“I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?
They both have a sign that says, “Insert Bill Here, Faceup.”
Seems Bill wasted all that time running for Persident.
He thought they said the “Oral” office.
Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn’t know that her-ass (Harass) was one word.
What does Monica have on her Resume?
“Sat on the Presidential Staff.”
Computer sex: Oh, Oh, Oh, one, Oh, one, one, Oh, Oh.Kitty porn: Hairless cats. See ‘shaved pussy’.Phone sex: Causes ‘hearing AIDS’.Aural sex: It only sounds good.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Para reunir dinero y reparar la parroquia, el cura Melcacho decide hacer uso de su buen paladar, como catador de vinos, apostando:
“Mmmm… vino del Rin, cosecha 1974, de buen cuerpo”.
“�Oooohhhh!”
Boquiabiertos y apantallados, esperan a que el cl�rigo pruebe la segunda copa:
“Cabernet 8 a�os, de California…”
“�Ooohh!”
“Espl�ndido vino blanco, barrica de encino”.
“�Aahhh!”
Pero como le ha atinado a todos, el cl�sico apostador que no le gusta perder, pretende hacerle trampa:
“��ndale, mi amor, or�nate aqu� y no la tires!”
“��Eh?!”
Le llenan otra y se la dan a probar:
“Mmmm… mmmmm… rubia, 30 a�os… 90, 60, 90 �y por desgracia, no es de mi parroquia!”
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, “Take all you want, God’s watching the apples”!
Me: Will u remember me in a second?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a minute?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a hour?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a month?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a year?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Another year?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Knock, knock
Somebody else: Whos there?
Me: Horseridertiff
And then somebody else says: Horseridertiff who?
Then me says: I thought u would remember me!
***********************************************
Because u said will u remember me in a minute and the rest of the stuff.
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
Cierta vez un tipo desea ir a que le corten el cabello as� que ingresa a una peluquer�a y encuentra al peluquero ocupado, por lo que decide esperar un momento. Al poco rato se da cuenta de que un perro se quedaba mirando fijamente al otro se�or que le estaban haciendo el corte; entonces el tipo dice:
“Vaya, se�or peluquero, su perro s� que se ha quedado fascinado con el tipo de corte que le est� haciendo a su cliente.”
A lo que el peluquero le responde:
“No amigo, no es eso, sino que de vez en cuando el perro recibe un pedazo de oreja.”