Why are camels called “ships of the desert”?
– They are full of Arab semen.
Author: admin
Things are more like today
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
The Lawyer and the D
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children.”The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
I’m not into working out.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Piece of cake
Teacher: Where is your homework!
Student: I ate it you said it was a piece of cake!
What do you get when cross a gay Eskimo and…
What do you get when cross a gay Eskimo and a Black?
A snowblower that doesn’t work.
Confuse your roommate III
101. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door
screaming, “Let me in. Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking
you out.
102. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.
103. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at
him/her for not listening to you.
104. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
105. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a
headache.
106. Start a brothel.
107. Constantly slip and fall — on your carpet.
108. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: “If it’s yellow let it
mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” Check every time to make sure he/she
follows it.
109. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
110. Invite the school President to sleep over.
111. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
112. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
113. Walk into walls.
114. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
115. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m
melting!”
116. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare
at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
117. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, “I’m
watching you.”
118. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back
and forth outside your window saying, “Speedy Delivery!” until he/she
comes out.
119. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned
into Gumby.
120. Open a can of HIS beans or spaghetti, empty it into his bed and then
replace the can in his cupboard.
121. Crumble a few packs of crisps into his bed…..they take ages to
clear off again.
122. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating
(useful, as my house mate can’t wire a plug up).
123. Move all of his furniture outside.
124. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
125. Smash your roommate’s favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around
your naked body, running around the apartment screaming “Fly, be Free!
Fly, be Free!”
126. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set
around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
127. Invite your roomie to play catch out in the yard. Every time you
catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
128. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start
again.
129. Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of
course, if you happen to be male.
130. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and
scream “Maggots! Maggots!” Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice
and finish eating.
131. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of
France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and
go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
132. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
133. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite
and God awfully rude every sentence.
134. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.
Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The first one answers “Never!” St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers “Oh, about 25-30 times.” He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.
The third man answers “Maybe 400-500 times” and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to “why the sad face?”.
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, “I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!”
Politicians are Expensive
One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25.
The visiting cannibal asked, “How come politicians cost so much?”
The chief answered, “Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?”
Defense Lawyer
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
Redneck at the Bar
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”
Boiler explodes
What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis