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The Musical Octopus

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A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here.”

The Guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, “Bullshit, no octopus can do that.”

The Guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”

The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.”

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, “OK I’m not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.

The Guy said, “Now just wait a minute He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.

Ran on the other side

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There was 2 groundhogs on one side of the road and the one groundhog said I bet the grass on that side of the road would be good.
The little groundhog said just wait a minute and dug a hole under the road to the other side. By that time a old woman stop to take a piss right when the groundhog poped up the old woman pissed on him. He ran to the other side of the road and said you dont want to go over there because it rains so damn hard over there even the birds built there nest upside down.

The Top 15 Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part I)

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15> Her rage-induced fits have turned synchronized swimming into a contact sport.

14> He was forced to give up hockey because he kept falling through the ice.

13> Claims he gets a better feel at the plate when he uses his forearm instead of a bat.

12> He finishes the race third, but the vein in his forehead comes in first.

11> His sacrifice bunt attempt just decapitated the shortstop.

10> The winning greyhound catches the mechanical rabbit, devours it in one bite, then poops out metal shavings.

9> Her pre-game handshake reduces opposing team captain’s hand to a fine powder.

8> His center-ice spin pulls some of the smaller skaters into orbit around him.

7> Whenever he’s asked to make a muscle, he pulls out a syringe.

6> “What a terrible spill on the far turn! … Hold on! The jockey is *carrying* Ton O’ Bricks to the finish line!”

5> For the first time in his long career, Krcyszewslovisowsky’s name fits on his uniform.

4> He body-checks the other players and warns them to stay away or face his violent wrath. At the first tee.

3> She leads her coed softball league in home runs, RBI and sperm count.

2> After kicking the winning goal she still rips off her shirt, but now she also turns green and flips over the opposing team’s bus.

1> “… and starting at nose tackle for the NY Giants… Brian Boitano!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Talking Dog

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, “Look buddy, we can’t have any dogs sitting up at the bar.”

The owner retorts, “But this is no ordinary dog.” The bartendar doesn’t budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, “Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.”

The bartendar says, “Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why don’t you and your talking dog leave the bar?”

The owner says, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.”

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, “Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?”
The dog says, “No problem”, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, “Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?”
To which the dog replies, “Because I have never had $20 before.”

The following are only learned from college

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91. Always wear your safety goggles, they’re not kidding.92. You just don’t learn last names.93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.95. Card games never lasted for hours before.96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.97. Boys will dance in college.98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.99. You are never alone.100. You find out what beer sludge is.

Computer Literacy

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So you think you’re computer-illiterate ?

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, “the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that t fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Honeymooners later on. . .

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A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, ‘Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago.’ The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, ‘Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago – or any time since that I can remember!’ The woman says, ‘Forty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!’

Im leaving You

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The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.””But why–” asked the startled father.”Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.””Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”

Horny Nurses!

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3 nurses go into the morgue, and there’s a dead man’s body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says “I’m gagging for it”, gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says “Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste”, and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply “He’s dead anyway, he’ll no bother”. The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him “We thought you were dead!”, and the man replies,

“After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn’t be dead either!”.