Author: admin

Where is God!?

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A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all
suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach:
she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.

First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister’s study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments,
then challenged the boy: “Young man, where is God?”

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: “I
asked you, Where Is God?”

The boy began to quake with dread …. this was no ordinary lecture for being
bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now
shouted his question, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running
headlong into his little brother.

“What’s wrong? What’s the matter?” his brother asked. ………”It’s awful!
The church has LOST GOD and they’re BLAMING US!

Sex Therapy

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.”

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . . “

Un viajero est� en el

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Un viajero est� en el mostrador de una aerol�nea documentando su equipaje:

�Quiero que la valija grande la env�en a Londres. La peque�a a Miami. Los dos bolsos env�elos a R�o de Janeiro y el ba�l a Beirut�.

�Disc�lpeme, pero eso no es posible, se�or�.

��C�mo que no? �S� ya lo hicieron la �ltima vez que viaje y sin mi permiso, infeliz!�

Morning coffee

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….”HEBREWS”

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

Maxims for the Internet Age

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1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can�t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:/ is the root of all directories.
8. Don�t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modern is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don�t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There�s no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the NET and he won�t bother you for weeks

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

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Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have “hip” problems.
Neither understand football.
Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.

Writing on the wall

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During his last few weeks as president, Bill Clinton is looking out of the window of the Oval Office.

Then he notices that someone has urinated the message “BILL SUCKS!” on a wall outside the White House.

Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff to find the culprit.

A week later, the FBI director calls. “Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,” he says. “The good news is the urine belongs to Ken Starr.”

“And the bad news?” Clinton asks.

After a slight pause, the director replies, “Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

2 guys at the bar.

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Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible!”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!”

Farmer & His Son

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An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. One day the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, “Son, you know I’ve always been careful with what little money we had. I didn’t spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn’t even afford a license to legally marry your Ma.”

“Pa!” the son exclaims, “do you know what that makes me?”

“Sure do,” said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. “And a damn cheap one, too.”

Aid’s or Alzheimer’s

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A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.” The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?””Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.” “Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?””Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.”Then what?” says the distraught man.”Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”