Author: admin

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?” The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

one night i woke up to a bright light.i woke my self up and saw that it was actully an angel.Then a voice broke the silence, ‘I am taking you up above the clouds to where the earth is controlled’ I gasped’you mean i’m dead?’ ‘no no not there, you’d go down any way. well anyway just dont ask any questions’ then i was flying up and suddenly i was in a massive room all filled with clocks! ‘what is this’ i asked a voice replied’everyone has a sort of clock that represents their life, everytime you lie the minute hand gos forward a bit you lose 1 minute of your life’ ‘well who does one belong to up there?’ ‘oh that one, thats Bill Clintons we use it as a clock’

There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg..so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate”.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says “Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part”.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads “Dear Sir,since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Carmel apple.

An old guy went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor.

“Senility is when you forget to zip down.”