After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.”I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.” The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”
Author: admin
Post Office
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, �I better open this one and see what it�s all about.�So he opened it and it read: �Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.� �Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.� �I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?�The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, �Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?� �Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. � �By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.�
12 days of Christmas (Santa Cruz style)
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS…. SANTA CRUZ STYLE…
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and…
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Lawyer at beach
Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?” Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”
Hairy russian women
two russian women swimmers talking one says to the other i will have to stop taking steroids why says the other i am starting to grow hair in some unusual places says first swimmer in what unusual places asks the second swimmer on my balls replies the first.
I know the truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”
Stoopit Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.
6. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!
If the shoe fits, get
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.What’s another word for thesaurus? What would we have called the color orange if it wasn’t a fruit? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Dog
What do you call a dog with a cold?
A germy shepherd.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
The boss returned from lunch
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.”What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?””I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
Mexican Money
How do you hide money from a mexican?
Put it under a bar of soap.
Crap!!
These 3 men were traped on a burning building and out popped a magic guy. He said that they could each make a wish to get off but they have to do some of the work to. One of the men was a Chinees guy. He went first. He wished he could turn into a hawk…His wish was granted. He flew off the buildidng uninjured. Another guy was an African person. He wished he was a eagle…His wish was granted too. So he flew off the building also uninjured. The last person was an American blonde guy. He was walking towards the end of the building about to make his wish when he tripped on a rock….He fell off the building and said,”Ohh crap!!””………..and you guessed it! He turned into crap and fell down!
what a sad sad sad story
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