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Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.
“Hold it!”, says Dummer.”Why are you throwing all those nails away?”
“Because.”, says Dum. “The heads are on the wrong end.”
“You dummy!”, replies Dummer.”
Those are for the other side of the house!”
Your Momma So Stupid She Got Stuck In Locked In A Grocery Store And Starved By Kirby Knipp
Knock KnockWho’s there?Idaho!Idaho who?Idaho’d the whole garden but I was tired!
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says,
”Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, ”If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over
there.”
The bartender says, ”Go ahead.”
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ”Sorry, we
don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”
”What do mean,” says the bear. ”I’m not on drugs.”
”Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.”
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
you so fat you dont know it
How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the free market take care of it.
Q: Why doesn’t Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh
I was out camping with a group of friends, and the two I had to share a tent with turned out to be a new couple. It was a wonderful day on the farm, but we were rather bewildered by this sheep that kept following us around, bumping into things. It was totally blind, and as it turned out, very dependent on people. It would find us by listening, but if were silent for a few moments, it would baa to get some attention.That night, with the lights out, the other two were giggling in their bed-roll, and we were passing jives across the tent, and the sheep just kept stalking around the tent. Apparently we were a little loud, being natural city people, so the rest of the camp was following the exchange.”Well, you haven’t got anybody to cuddle tonight,” he said, “and I have her!”Well, it was dark and I just had to tease them a little.”You have her over there?””Yes, so there.””Oh … then who is this in bed with me here?”There was a moments silence, so naturally …”Baaaa?”My reputation never recovered.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
How is sex like air?It’s no big thing unless you aren’t getting any.