Author: admin

Oopsy Daisy!

Posted on by admin

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.” “Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper. “‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.

Dust to Dust

Posted on by admin

On their way home from attending an Ash Wednesday service, little Johnny asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?””Yes, darling,” his mother answered.”And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?””Yes, dear,” his mother replied.”Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?”

Dollars equal cents

Posted on by admin

Theorem: 1$ = 1c.Proof:And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.1$ = 100c= (10c)^2= (0.1$)^2= 0.01$= 1cHere $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

Rolling out of bed

Posted on by admin

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, they have wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all, I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing!?” he asks.

“I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing and yisman

A Christmas Present

Posted on by admin

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas.
Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she
bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
‘You’re getting your Christmas present a week early this year,’ her mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. ‘Is that what you
want?’
The little girl said, ‘It’s wonderful; mother…just what I wanted. There’s
just one thing wrong!’
‘What’s that?’ her mother asked.
‘Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another
little claw on the inside of every paw – but the poor little thing has no claws
at all in the middle of its paws!’
Her mother smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning
you’ll find the claws are there.’
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the
middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn’t even a hint, a clue or an
inkling of claws in the middle of its paws.
When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her
mother and asked again, ‘Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its
middle claws tomorrow? There’s only a few hours to go and there’s not a hint or
clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.’
‘Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,’ her mother smiled and went on
stuffing the turkey.
So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning
she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her
little kitten.
She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten
had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.
Kitty rushed to her parent’s bedroom. ‘Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its
middle claws!’
‘Of course it has,’ her mother grinned.
‘But how did you know?’ Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, ‘Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that
Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!’

Superman

Posted on by admin

superman was sitting at the bar drinking a texas shot of jack daniels he drank it just as a black guy walked in and ordered a beer superman flew out the window and across the street and back the black guy saw him do this three times and said I have to try that he got one he ran out the window and got hit by a car the bartender said boy superman your sure love killing them niggers dont you

George Bush, John Ash croft, and Kathrine Harris g

Posted on by admin

George W. Bush, John Ash croft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by
George W.’s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk, which
cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look
for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: “I’m the President
selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the
new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such.” John
Ash croft says: “I’m the Attorney General and as the nations’ chief law
enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the
streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion,
affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same
sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country.” Finally, Kathryn Harris
says: “I’m the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman,
and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican
officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for
Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more
people vote for Democrats.” And the three of them all agree that each has very
good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only
fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by
secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says
“George W. Bush – one vote,” the second ballot says “John Ash croft – one vote”,
and the third ballot says “Kathryn Harris – 37 votes.”

Man with a realy small… uh, you know…

Posted on by admin

Joining a new company, a guy had to take a physical with the company doctor.All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that he had the smallest penis he’d ever seen. “Tell me,” he said, “Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?””No,” he said. “I’ve got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate.””And yet you still have a normal sex life?””That’s not a problem,” he said, “because there’s TWO of us looking for it then.”

Cows In Government

Posted on by admin

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.