Est� un se�or con su

Est� un se�or con su doctor, que es el mismo de su esposa, y le dice:

“Creo que mi esposa se est� quedando sorda”.

Y el doctor le contesta:

“H�gale una prueba hoy en su casa; si persiste, venga a verme”.

Y as� lo hizo. A la hora de merendar, va y se para a tres metros de su esposa y le pregunta:

“�Qu� hay de cenar?”

Pero la mujer no responde. Despu�s va y se para a dos metros y de nuevo le pregunta:

“Mi amor, �qu� hay de cenar?”

Y otra vez, no hay respuesta. El hombre se para a un metro y, nuevamente, no pasa nada. Harto, se para atr�s de ella y le dice gritando:

“�Qu� es la cena, linda?”

Y la mujer le responde:

“�Por cuarta vez, POLLO!”.

Mouse balls

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Submitted by yisman
Edited by calamjo

Bar Joke

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.”Easy,” says the man.”Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.””Wow,” says the man at the bar.”I gotta try this.”He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.”Geez, Superman,” says the bartender.”You can be a real a jerk when you’re drunk.”

Bill vs. Saddam

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on
sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam’s chair has
three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5
minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton’s chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after
another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes
a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off
but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the
final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits
Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now
and stands up to leave.

“We’ll continue this talk next week in the White House” says the
President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say
no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives
Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees
three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton’s chair. As the meeting
goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks
really fast, but nothing seems to happen.

This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing…really loudly. After
this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses
another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up.
Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of
his chair laughing. Saddam doesn’t get it–what the hell is
happening here? But he hasn’t been harmed yet, so he sits down
again to talk further.

After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time,
Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn’t, he’s rolling on the
floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by
now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: “I’ve had enough
of this, I’m going back to Baghdad” (Through tears of laughter
from the floor): “Baghdad?…What fucking Baghdad?”

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Engineering in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s
it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping
him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?”

Pregnant sister

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when
he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather
loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks
him about this.

“Hey, what’s with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and
saying her rosary to beat the band.”

“Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.”

“My God, is she?”

“No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!”