No Screwing!

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One
day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each
other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any
hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now
we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower,
rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are
placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells
down, Hey, no screwing!
They yell back, We’re not screwing!
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again
the second man yells down, Hey, no screwing!
Again they yell back, We’re not screwing!
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, Hey, I said no screwing!
They yell back, We’re not screwing!
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to
be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new
friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says,
“Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

Mustard

Monica went to the dry cleaners and said,” Excuse me, I wold like to get my dress cleaned.” And the little old man was barely able to hear her and said,”What did you say?”She replied,”I would like to get my dress cleaned sir.”And the old man still could not hear her and said,”Come again?”She replied.”No, Mustard.”

Animal Noises

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was
going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”

“It goes moo.”

“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”

“It goes meow.”

“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”

“It goes baaa.”

“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”

“Errr.., it goes.. click!”

Chile Lover

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a madding passion for Chile. He loved them, but he always has an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to it. Then one day, he met a young woman and fell in love with her. When evidently they would marry, he thought to himself, she is so sweet and gentle. She will never go for this kind of carrying on. Therefore, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the chile. They married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly cooked chile and corn bread was overwhelming.
Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off the effects before reaching home. Therefore, he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving the cafe, he had eaten three LARGE orders of chile with corn bread. All the way home he farted and farted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had pooted his last. His wife seemed somewhat upset and excited to see him and exclaimed; “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and ripped a good one. It was not only LOUD, but also as RIPE as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things were just about to return to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and ripped another one again, this was a true prizewinner. It rattled the windows. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for the next 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell suggested the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself. He was the perfect picture of innocence.
When his wife returned, she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At this point, she removed the blindfold and revealed to his surprise. .
Twelve dinner guests, who were seated around the table for a birthday party for him!

Gender Poetry 4 Da Ladies

I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

Beckham ill

Alex Ferguson is on his way to training one morning and, as usual, stops by David Beckham’s house to give him a lift.

He knocks at the door, only for it to be answered by a pale and drawn looking Beckham.

“Och, David. Your no looking too good this morning.”

“For sure, Mr. Ferguson, I am under the weather.”

“Ah no worries, you can have the day off today. Is there anythin’ I can get youse?”

David asks Alex for some groceries and off Fergie goes to the cliff.

On his way home he stops off at Tescos and who should he bump into but Gerard Houllier.

“A-ha, monsoir Ferguson. What are you doing ‘ere?” asks the Liverpool boss.

“I’ve just got these here carrots for David Beckham”

“Ah, monsoir Ferguson. You are indeed an exceptional businessman!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

More Naked Oldies

Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people’s home.

Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren’t getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom’s room. Later that night they did just that.

Jim looked at Tom and said, “Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?”

“I don’t know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.”

Suicide

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was
a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic
had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the
cop what was wrong. The cop said, “Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton
is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his
lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and start a fire.” The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing
there.” The cop said, ” I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car
asking for donations.” The marine asked, “How much do you have so far?” The cop
replied, “Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still
siphoning as we speak!”