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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

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1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who’s the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

A woman and her little girl

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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl’s
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

Una chica sale con un

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Una chica sale con un muchacho y �ste conduce su coche a una calle oscura, donde se estaciona y empieza a besarla y acariciarla.

La chica primero acepta, pero luego, de golpe, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a su casa escribe en su diario:

“Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.”

La semana siguiente se reproduce la misma situaci�n. Calle oscura, comienzan los besos y abrazos, pero la chica se arrepiente, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a la casa vuelve a escribir en el diario:

“Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.”

Tercera oportunidad en que se encuentran. Esta vez la chica llega a su casa pasadas las tres de la ma�ana y escribe en su diario:

“Querido diario: a veces hasta las mejores amigas deben separarse.”

New school inspector

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A very new and nervous school inspector was being shown ’round a very rough school.

Just as the tour of inspection was coming to an end, the principal asked him if he’d mind saying a few words of advice to a class of unruly 16 year olds, who were going to leave school at the end of term.

The principal managed to get the kids to be quiet, introduced them to the inspector and told them that he was going to say a few words to them.

The poor man was totally nonplussed by the sight of unwelcoming faces staring at him, but he took a deep breath and began: “When y-y-y-you were in-in-infants I’m sure you enjoyed your in-in-infancy.”

“As ch-ch-children I’m sure you enjoyed y-y-y-your ch-ch-childhood.”

“I c-c-c-can see that you are enjoying your a-a-a-a-adolescence and I h-h-hope that w-w-when you leave school and become adults, you will enjoy your adultery.”

Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman

Choking Victim

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A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching
the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As
soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “Divorce attorney.”

Celibacy

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Many aspects of human nature are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Trevor and Kylie listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Trevor leaned over, touched Kylie’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s the white, self-raising brand, isn’t it?”

Thus began Trevor’s life of celibacy.

How Do You Like That?

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A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the
baby and suddenly the baby says, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor is shocked and
goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, �Are
you my daddy?� The doctor says, �No, I’m not your father.�
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,
�Are you my daddy?� And the father says, �Yes, I am!� So, the baby pops out of
the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head
while saying, �How do you like that?! How do you like that?!�

Vasectomy

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Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office. At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.”What was it about?” asked Mary.”He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.” “Well what is the problem with that?” “He had a vasectomy two years ago!”