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Author: admin
Sex Shop Patron
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, “Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?” The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models.” The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?” The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
“Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?”
A gun for my hubby.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
How many country & western singers does…
How many country & western singers does
it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change the lightbulb, and the
other three to sing about how much they miss
the old one.
If I only knew…
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN…
– that it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class I’d
sleep right through it.
– that I would change so much and barely realize it.
– that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
– that college kids throw airplanes, too.
– that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you’re so
dressed up.
– that every clock on campus shows a different time.
– that if you were smart in highschool – so what?
– that I would go to a party the night before a final.
– that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put
together.
– that you can know everything and fail a test.
– that you can know nothing and ace a test.
– that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my
roomie.
– that home is a great place to visit.
– that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
– that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
– that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
– that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
– that Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
– that psychology is really biology, biology is really
chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really
math.
– that it is a really good idea to go places alone.
– that it’s possible to be alone even when you’re surrounded by
friends.
– that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
– don’t be dismayed at goodbyes.
– a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting
again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are
friends.
The Man With No Arms nor Legs
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were
either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were
horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn’t run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she
just figured that there wasn’t a man alive who could live up to
these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she
heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or
legs. The man said “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have
no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
The woman replied, “Yes, but are you good in bed?”
And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I
rang the doorbell?”
Vocabulary day
There was a class and each student had to go up to the front of the room and say a sentence using one of their spelling words.
First Juan goes up and his word was love, so he says, “Sara says she loves me.”
Then it’s Chase’s turn, his word is hate, so he goes up and says, “Sara says she hates me.”
Then it’s Chris’s turn, his word is dictate, so he goes up to the front of the class and says, “Sara says my dictate good.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
I will correct it in two weeks
Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several
times, anywhere from $75 to $300. Each time this has happened, the payroll
department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error.
Last payday the situation reversed. Everyone with direct deposit was paid
twice. I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake
could be corrected. When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ear to
ear. I said, “Yes, I noticed the mistake. I will correct it in two weeks.”
Three young candidates for the
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy
Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them
to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer
costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first
candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed
in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and
pray about your carnal weakness.” The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate,
slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable
to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower
and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his
body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor.
“Only you have the true strength of character needed to become
a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”
*Ting-a-ling*
64 Ways to Piss off a Cop
1) When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, officer, there’s
no blood in my alcohol?”
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn’t go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that
way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me
dinner first”
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink
on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops!
That’s the wrong name.”
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration,
please” right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I
can’t hear you!”
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar….
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here
tonite……
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.
50) Oops…I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.
58) If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at the lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
5 Great Insults
1.You’re so stupid you walked into a antique shop and asked, “What’s New?”
2.You’re so stupid it took you an hour to bake minute rice.
3.You’re so stupid you tried to alphababtize skittles.
4.You’re so small you held up a sign that said please dont spit I’ll drown.
5.You’re so small when you wanted to air glide you had to have a cheerio as
an air glider.
Man my life sucks
A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, “Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad.”
So the pickle looks at him and says, “You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar.”
The penis glared at both of them and said, ” You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo