Author: admin

The Drunk

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There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,”You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”

Difficult to say…

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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Specificity
“Cogito ergo sum.”
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You’re Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn’t, no one wants to hear me sing!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Super heroes

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It was Saturday night and Superman wanted to party. He phoned Batman but he said Robin was sick and he had to stay home and take care of him.

Superman decided to fly over to Wonder Woman’s house and see what was going on over there. He landed on her balcony, looked in the bedroom window and saw her lying on her back on the bed. She was naked and had her legs apart. “Hey,” he thought to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it.” He does it, but something startles Wonder Woman and she says, “Did you hear something?”

“No,” says the Invisible Man, “but my ass is killing me.”

Dumb Blonde Test

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Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…

1.Who do want to be most like in life:
A.Vanna White
B.Michelle Fiefer
C.Britney Spears
E.None of the Above

2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:
A.Run when you see the seeker
B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you
C.Run when the seeker sees you
E.Follow the seeker quietly

3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease
A.You loose alot of weight
B.Gain weight
C.Get really smart
D.Loose your memory

4.How do you kill a bird:
A.Hit it
B.Throw it off a building
C.Cook it
D.All of the above

5.What’s an important question about pregnancy
A.Is it mine
B.How far along am I
C.Is it a boy or girl
D.What hospital should I go to for delivery

Don’t read them this part:

Results:
1.
A=5pts.
B=3pts.
C=2pts.
D=1pt.

2.
A=4
B=5
C=2
D=3

3.
A=4
B=3
C=5
D=1

4.
A=3
B=5
C=4
D=1

5.
A=5
B=1
C=3
D=2

TOTAL:
20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

Viagra Helps With Sunburns

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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
horrible sunburn.
 
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second degree burns.
 
He was already starting to blister and in agony.
 
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline
and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
 
The nurse, rather astounded, said, “What good will Viagra do him?”
 
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”