Chemical Properties of Woman

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it’s too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Strong arm of the law

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first
applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond
question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

Bank Pens

Why is there never a working ballpoint pen attached to those chains you see hanging around banks?Once imprisoned, the ballpoint pen soon loses the will to write. Even if released, it develops a deep-seated pattern of skipping and blotching that will soon send it back to the chain gang. Repeat offender ballpoint pens are sent to the post office, where they become federal pens. If not watched carefully, these pens will hang themselves from the writing desks. To prevent this, postal workers are particularly attentive, which is why they so often seem to be standing around staring at the pens. To avoid contributing to this destructive and unwholesome situation, I use a high-resolution dot-matrix printer when I write, and I recommend you do the same.

Ugly!

Two friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their wives are.

The first guy says his wife is uglier.

The second says, “Come with me and I’ll show you my wife.”

The two guys head out and get to the other one’s house.

The guy opens the cellar door and says, “Honey could you come up here?”

She says, “Should I put the bag over my head?”

And he replies, “No, I don’t want to fuck you, I just want to show you to someone.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Criminal steals lumber

A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. “What did you take?” his priest asked. “Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.” “This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?” “No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

The First Pitch

Bill and Hillary went to the first baseball game of the year in Baltimore’s
new Camden Yards stadium. The umpire went to the Presidential box seat next to
the home dugout, whispered something to Bill, then walked back to home plate.
Bill shrugged his shoulders, and then threw Hillary onto the playing field. The
umpire shook his head, walked back to where Bill was sitting and said, “No, sir,
I asked you to throw out the first PITCH.”