What’s the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn’t last forever.
Author: admin
The Best Things Ever Said II
~ Man: An animal [whose]…chief occupation is extermination of other
animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such
insistent rapidityas to infest the whole inhabitable earth and Canada.
~ Woman: An animal…having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication… The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts
of prey… The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
~ Cabbage: A…vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
~ The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfillment.
~ Boy meets girl: girl get’s bot into pickle: boy gets pickle into girl.
~ Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change
color and fall from the trees.
~ I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know.
~ I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re
upstairs in my socks.
~ The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines.
~ Talk is cheap because supple exceeds demand.
~ Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Three Dickless Guys
There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor’s.
The first guy says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor.
“I have no dick!”
So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The next guy comes in and says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s wrong?” the doctor asks.
“I have no dick!”
The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.
A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!”
“Why?” asks the doctor.
“Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!” He walks out.
The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, “Doctor! I hate you!”
“Why?” the doctor asks.
“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!” He walks out.
The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, “Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!”
“Why?”
“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!”
Saving Train Fare
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton’s health care plan and a kidney
stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
The simplest subjects are the
The simplest subjects are the ones you don’t know anything about.
Its the way you talk
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question, “Yale,” she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and yelled, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Star Trek
One day, George W. Bush was leaving a very interesting meeting of the United
Nations. Once stepping outside, he was met by the Iraqi ambassador, and he
started to talk to George. “You know, George, my children are here on this trip
with me to the States, and they have gained interest in your television
programs. They have especially like the television show Star Trek, although one
thing is bothering them about it…The show shows how the races of the Earth can
come together in the starship Enterprise, although, they have never seen an
Iraqi citizen aboard the ship, and they were just wondering; Why is that?”
George chuckles a little and gives him a short answer to his question. “Because
it takes place in the FUTURE!”
Blonde interviewed for job
A blonde went to appear for the job of secretary. She was asked the basic questions like
What is your name: Marry Lou
From where do u belong? Housten USA
Education? Inter
In which subject?
The blonde replied by smiling….
INTERCOURSE..
3 old men
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, ‘My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!’
The second old fogey one-upped him. ‘My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!’
The third old man laughed and said, ‘That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.’
This is the actual radio
This is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Bad Knees
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”
“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”
“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.”
“Not if you’re going to watch TV. there ain’t,” she replied.