Eve was firdt?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks her.

“Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you,” the good Lord tells her.

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?” she asks.

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first!”

Mr Potato had three daughters all wanting…

Mr Potato had three daughters all wanting to get married!
Mr Potatoes first daughter cheerfully said:
Pa I am going to marry a Jersey royal.
Mr Potato replied happily:
Nice one my dear, we will have a bit of class in the family.
Mr Potatoes 2nd daughter chipped in saying:
Pa I am going to marry a King Edward.
To which Mr Potato replied even more happier:
That is great my dear, Royalty in the family that is something speacial, we are rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous now!
Suddenly all eyes went to Mr potatoes 3rd daughter who some what said hesitantly:
Pa I am going to marry Desmond Lynom!
In disbeleif Mr Potato replied angrily:
WHAT! this is an outrage! you can not marry him.
Why not?
replied the third daughter nervously!
Because he is only a common-tater!

Unsent Letter

Subject: The Letter Bush Will Not Write…

To: Premier Dung

From: President Bush

The United States is truly sorry that your nation is not capable of training your pilots to fly without striking other aircraft. We are also sorry that you people lack the honor to respect the international laws governing collision avoidance between aircraft when flying in international airspace.

We further regret that you cannot be trusted to respect the integrity of sovereign aircraft forced to land on your soil after your inept pilot forced a collision. We truly regret the state of incompetence demonstrated by the People’s Dictatorship of China.

That being said, you are holding our servicemen hostage, illegally. You are holding our aircraft, illegally. I am sorry to inform you that all your Ambassadors, aides, businessmen, and students currently residing in the United States will have their visas revoked at midnight tonight.

I am also sorry to inform you that all Chinese assets in the United States are frozen. I am sorry to inform Beanie Baby collectors that all imports from the PDC will be halted. All foreign aid monies to the PDC and all IMF etc., funds are cancelled.

I am not sorry to announce, however, that sales of advanced technology military equipment to the Republic of Taiwan will be accelerated. Nor am I sorry to announce that two additional carrier battle groups will be assigned to patrol the waters off the coasts of the PDC. I’m sure I can think of more things to do if I don’t have my airmen and airplane returned by midnight, tonight.

Your friend,

George W. Bush

Distructive Fart

There was 3 people in an airplane : a librarian a teacher and an army guy.

The librarian said “I always wanted to throw a book out the window”. So she did.

The teacher said “I always wanted to throw an apple out the window”. With that she did.

The army guy said “well since they are I might as well throw a bomb out the window”. And he did.

The plane lands and they go walking and they see this boy crying. The librarian asks why he is crying.

“I was walking and a book hit me on the head”, said the boy.

They walk a little further and they see this girl crying. They ask why she is crying and say says “I was walking and all of the sudden an apple hit me on the head!”

They continue walking and a little further and they see a boy rolling on the ground laughing.

“Why are you laughing?”, they ask.

The little boy says “I was walking and when I farted the building over there behind me blew up!”

Jos�, un muchacho modesto de

Jos�, un muchacho modesto de pueblo, ten�a una novia llamada Teresa. Jos� era un tipo muy t�mido. Un d�a se va de parrandas con unos amigos, porque hab�a obtenido su visa para Estados Unidos… A eso de las 10 de la noche se presenta en casa de la novia, pero parece que algo que comi� le hizo da�o…

Se estaba que iba al ba�o, pero le daba apuros decirle a su novia. Pens�… �Ya s�!

“Teresa mi amor, por favor dame un vaso de agua.”

Cuando la novia sali� para la cocina… Jos� tomo lo primero que vio… un florero que hab�a en la mesa y ah� se cag�…

Al otro d�a parti� para Nueva York. Tres meses m�s tarde recibe una carta de su novia:

“Mi amor, mi mam� te perdona, pap� te perdona, mi hermana te perdona, abuela te perdona y hasta yo te perdono, pero CO�O… �llama y di donde te CAGASTE!”

Top ten way *I’m* spending this valentine’s…

Top ten way *I’m* spending this valentine’s day.

10. Watching “Fatal Attraction” over and over to remind me what I’m not
missing.

9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex … $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?

8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.

7. Calling all the women I’ve gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.

6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.

5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.

4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.

3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can’t we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You’d like him — he’s a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I’ll go out with you.. but only casually
(at first this seems innocent until you realize it
means “You buy me food, movies, and
parking, and in the end, I’ll break your heart”)
You’re the only one for me. (when said by a man)
You can trust me. (ditto)
Someday, it’ll happen to you (when said by anyone
married).

2. Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.

….and the #1 way I’m spending valentine’s:
1. Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter
about not owning stock in Hallmark.

Farmer’s Bull

Farmer: I’ve got a bull that’s right off it duties. It’s got to service

300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.

Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.

So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:

Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and

POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in

30 minutes.

Vet: So, what’s the problem – why have you come back?

Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight –

could you give me one of those tablets? I’m not as young as I was.

Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, it’s too strong but I will give you a quarter of a

pill.

So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.

Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.

Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.

Vet: So, why have you come back?

Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!