Sex Signals

On their wedding night, a couple sit down and discuss the ground
rules for their marriage.

Wife- When i get home from work i will signal to you with my
hair to tell you if i want sex. If my hair is fully done up that
means i do not want sex. If my hair is partly done up that means
i may or may not want sex. If hair is completely let down that
means i want wild untamed sex. Got it?

Husband- Yes darling, these are my sex signals. If i get home
from work and have one can of beer that means i do not want sex.
If i have two cans of beer i may or may not want sex. If i have
three cans, your hair doesn’t matter.

Redneck quickies 35

You might be a redneck if…You don’t know what a redneck is.You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”. You thought ER was ET’s cousin.You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars. You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway. You refer to your dog as the dishwasher. Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color. You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot. You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”. You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”. You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues. You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel. You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels. Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”. You just bought your family their lst Atari game system. You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria. You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it. You’ve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up. You name your car the General Lee.

Elderly Speeder

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!”

Wrong instructions.

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

“I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!”

Jump off Buildings

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde dared each other to jump
off a building.

The brunette jumped off a two-story building and broke a few
bones. It took the surgeons five years to reconstruct her body.

The redhead jumped off a three-story building. It took the
surgeons seven years to reconstruct her body.

The blonde jumped off a five story building and landed on a lamp
post. It took the surgeons ten years to wipe the smile off her
face!