Author: admin

Once poor

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A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich.

Cannibals

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,”Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and pulls the trigger.

The New Yorker says, “gimme the fawkin’ fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”

The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!”

Won’t Stop Aggrieving

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(instrumental intro)
Through the bombs Bush hurled,
Wants to rule the whole wide world.
With crooks of Far Right strain, attack anywhere.
He’s Bush Daddy’s boy.
Born and raised to steal, destroy.
With crooks of Far Right strain, attack anywhere.
(instrumental break)
Bush brings Iraq a smokey doom;
A hell you’ll find, a heap of tombs.
In a while, will ensnare the Right;
War goes on and on and on and on…
Dangers… waiting…
Troops shot down while standing guard.
For shadows… searching in the ni-i-ight…
Street fights… people…
Shooting anything in motion.
Hiding… somewhere; still, they fight.
(instrumental break)
Working hard to further kill;
Dubya just wants his thrill.
Sayin’ anything, against advice,
Commits war crime.
“We will win, they will lose!”
Bush says (doesn’t hear the boos).
War quagmire never ends,
War goes on and on and on and on…
Dangers… waiting…
Troops shot down while standing guard.
For shadows… searching in the ni-i-ight…
Street fights… people…
Shooting anything in motion.
Hiding… somewhere; still, they fight.
(instrumental break)
Won’t stop… aggrieving.
War for oil stealing.
Far Right… neocons… want a fight…
Won’t stop… aggrieving.
War for oil stealing.
Far right… neocons… want a fight…
(Repeat final verse and fade)

Smart Kid

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

Little Johnny at the Beauty Parlor

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Little Johnny’s father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it’s time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, “You’ve been such a good customer over the years, I’m going to see to this personally.”So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, “Since this is your first time, I’m going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I’m going to give you a manicure.”Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, “Well, Little Johnny, don’t you remember me?””Yes, Ma’am, ” Little Johnny stammers, “you’re the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch ’em.”

Screensaver

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Bill Gates died in an automible accident. When he was taken up to meet “Him”, He told Bill “Bill, you have done alot of things for this world, you changed the way technology works. You were a great man so I am going to let you chose where you want to go Heaven or Hell.” Bill said, “Can I see them first?” So bill went and saw what Hell looked like, ‘It had a beach, palm trees, it was beautiful, sunny, there were rivers, to say the least it was beautiful. Bill was shocked, if this was hell then what did Heaven look like. So he went and checked it out. In heaven there were angels playing harps and it was relaxing. After thinking on it he decided to go to hell, so he got his wish! About a week later”He” went to check up on Bill, when He came, Bill yelled, “WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEAUTIFUL BEACHES AND THE PALM TREES AND THE RIVERS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SUN. AFTER YOU DROPPED ME OFF ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL THNGS DISAPPERED AND THESE LITTLE CREAUTRES STARTED TO FEED ON ME! WHAT HAPPENED?” Then a deep, loud voice came, “WHAT YOU SAW WAS A SCREEN SAVER.”

Get shocked when connected to Internet

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This is a true story from a place where I used to work…

A man called in to tech support for his internet service and explained to
the technician that everytime he got on the Internet, he got shocked. The
tech first thought that maybe he was just surprised, but the man actually
meant he was SHOCKED. The tech and the man troubleshoot for a little over
an hour to try and find out what the problem was. Finally the man told the
tech that everytime I get on the Internet, I get shocked…when I lick
the monitor with pictures of nude women. Needless to say the tech had to
disconnect the call because he was laughing too much to continue the
conversation.