A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself “what a deal” since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, “this is too good to be true!” and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn’t even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.”what did you do to my firebird!” shrieked the man.”….Firebird?”questioned the blonde.”…and all this time I thought it was the porsche”
Author: admin
Top 8 ways to annoy people!
1) Walk up to any random person on the street and scream WHATS YOUR NAME!!!
2)Knock over a girl scout cookie stand and tell them that you were here first!
3)When your in a movie theater scream at the screen!!
4) ask a stranger what their favorite color is.
5)Act Gay.
6)Tackle birds for crumbs on the streets.
7) Think that your funny when your really actually very stupid and you say things that make no sence.
8)Every time you see a movie act like the charictars for days until you see a new movie.
Dolly Parton
How did Dolly Parton get two black eyes?
She went jogging without a bra on.
Est�n dos reci�n nacidas en
Est�n dos reci�n nacidas en la sala de maternidad del hospital y le pregunta una a la otra:
“Oye, �t� eres virgen?”
“�Hombre, pues claro, si acabamos de nacer!”
“�Jo, pues yo no aguantaba m�s y me he sentado en el chupete!”
Math exam
Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.
The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so
the professor agreed to give him an oral exam.
“All right,” said the prof. “How many degrees are there in a circle?”
“Uh, depends,” said the boy. “How big is that there circle?”
Ghosts
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here
believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way
up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex
with a ghost.
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” “Dang it, I thought you said ”GOATS.”
Potency Plus
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
“Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had
three girls at once, and I need something to keep me
horny…keep me potent.”
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an “X”
and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!”
The guy says, “Gimme 3 boxes.”
The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right
up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The
pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is
black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, “Gimme a bottle of BenGay.”
The pharmacist replies, “BENGAY?!?!?! You’re not going to put
BenGay on that are you?”
The guy says, “No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up!”
En un manicomio hab�a un
En un manicomio hab�a un exceso de locos y todos ellos se dedicaban a tirarle piedras a los cristales del sanatorio. Hartos ya de esto, los due�os decidieron soltar a los que estuviesen menos locos.
Los doctores les van preguntando uno a uno a los locos lo que har�an tan pronto salieran del manicomio. Llegan junto al primer loco y le preguntan:
“A ver chico, �t� que har�as si salieras de aqu�?”
“�Yo?, responde el loco, pues subir�a hasta la colina de enfrente y… �piedras pa los cristales!”
Los doctores dicen que ese nada no puede salir. Le preguntan al segundo:
“A ver chico, �t� que har�as si salieras de aqu�?”
“�Yo?, pues subir�a hasta la colina de enfrente y… �piedras pa los cristales!”
Y as� con varios hasta que llegan al lado de uno que les dice:
“�Yo?, pues ir�a a la ciudad…”
Los doctores asienten…
“…me ligar�a una chica…”
Los doctores asienten y dicen que �ste est� bastante bien.
“…luego me la traer�a hasta la colina de enfrente… le quitar�a el jersey…”
“Sigue sigue” dicen los loqueros.
“Le quitar�a las bragas…”
“Joder s� est� bien” exclaman los m�dicos.
“…y con la goma de las bragas fabricar�a un tirachinas y… �piedras pa los cristales!”
The Budweiser Method
These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7. She’s really quite pretty.”Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, “Nah, I’d only give her a 3.””A 3? How can you give her a 3?”says one of the three guys at the table.”She’s a real pretty girl.”The bartender, walking away, says, “Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he’d only give her a 5.”A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She’s absolutely gorgeous!” The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.”The Budweiser method?”they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5’11” goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three “judges” at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.”A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She’s gorgeous!” “Well,” says the bartender again, “I use the Budweiser method for rating women.””Budweiser!” says one of the guys, exasperated.”What in the Hell is this ‘Budweiser method’ for rating women?””Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.
Woman and two Men
There are women and two men. The women say she is the most beautiful person in
the world. The first man says that he is the strongest man on the earth. The
second man says that he has had the most sex in the world. But then all three
disagree about one another and so the three go to the wizard. The woman went in
and asked the wizard if she is the most beautiful woman in the world and the
wizard said that she was. Then the first man went in and asked the wizard if he
was the strongest man in the world and the wizard said that he was. Then the
second man went in and asked the wizard if he had the most sex in the world, but
instead the second man came out and said, “Who is Bill Clinton?”
La maestra les pidi� a
La maestra les pidi� a sus alumnos llevar un truco de magia.
“A ver Raulito, �t� que nos trajiste?”
“Yo traje un sombrero y voy a sacar un conejo”.
Raulito hace el truco y todos sus amigos se asombran.
“Muy bien Raulito, toma asiento. A ver Martita �t� que trajiste?”
“Yo voy a hacer un truco de cartas”.
La ni�a hace el truco y todos se asombran m�s.
“Muy bien Martita”.
Y as� todos, hasta que le toca a Pepito.
“A ver Pepito”.
“Bueno maestra, si�ntese en su escritorio”.
“Ya”.
Pepito se sienta enfrente y pone las manos abajo.
“Ahora t�meme un dedito”.
“Listo”.
Y Pepito levanta las manos diciendo:
“�Magia, magia!”
Llega un ni�o y se
Llega un ni�o y se le queda viendo los senos a la madre y le pregunta:
“Mami, �qu� es eso?”
“�Son dos flotadores!”, responde sorprendida la madre.
Pocos d�as despu�s, el ni�o le comenta a la madre:
“Mami, yo creo que la empleada va para la playa”.
“�Por qu�?”
“Porque ayer papi le estaba inflando los flotadores”.