Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
Author: admin
Enough research will tend to
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
blonde with child
why did the blonde change her babys diaper once a month?because the tag says good for up to 25lbs !!
Half time
One evening, a man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few
minutes, the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world
was that?”
The man says, “Touchdown. I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was
that?”
The wife replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so
hard that he sh**s all over the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time.
Switch sides.”
The Morals
Imagine a farm. On the farm there live a chick and a horse. One day the horse gets stuck in a swamp at the bottom of a field so it says:
“Help Chick pull me out!”
The chick obliges and gets it’s Harley Davidson to help pull horse out and all is well.
Two weeks later chick gets stuck in the same swamp and shouts for horse to help.
Horse comes to the rescue and straddles the swamp saying “Grab on!”. Sure enough he pulls chick safely out of the swamp.
And the moral of the story is:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a bike to pull chicks!
New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call “Teds, or Hales!”
Sex and pregnancy
A husband and wife were expecting their first child while stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. They were at their first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times. The husband was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when they ‘should stop….you know…..relations?’The Doc’s answer: ‘Sonny, as long as you don’t get in my way in the delivery room, I don’t care!’
Yo Mama
Yo mama so fat that when she tip toed across the floor everyone yelled STAMPEDE!!!!
yo mama so dumb that she locked herself in a supermarket and starved to death.
Yo mama so fat that when she puts on her yellow raincoat and everybody yells taxi.
Yo mama so black that when she goes to night classes she gets marked as absent.
Yo mama so fat that when she goes down to the beach the whales say WE ARE FAMILY.
Shut Up
If my pants aren’t at my ankles, don’t open your mouth!
You may be from Jersey if…
Does this ring true to you? Maybe you have to be from North
Jersey for some of these… You know you’re from Jersey
when……
– You refer to the beach as the shore.
– You know what a Wawa is, and you know the location of at least
5 of them.
– You don’t understand why there aren’t more 24-hour diners
elsewhere in the country.
– You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.
– You’ve run out of money on the Parkway.
– You still haven’t seen that many gardens.
– You still can’t believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
– There are no self-serve gas stations.
– You know what a “jug handle” is.
– You only go to the “City” for day trips.
– Route 18 doesn’t freak you out at night.
– You believe the Statue of Liberty is in NJ.
– You don’t take any shit from anybody especially people from
New York and Philly, because you live here for Christ’s sake and
just who the hell do they think they are anyway? Invading our
beaches and bars, they are just here for the damn summer and
they think they own the place.
– At least three people in your family still listen to Bruce
“The Boss” Springsteen and actually seen him play with the
E-Street band in the Stone Pony down in Asbury.
– You know Paramus has 4 major malls within 3 miles of each
other.
– You have mandatory recycling enforced by law.
– You’ve pondered, “Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ
if the Nets didn’t suck.”
– You have nearly been run over by a TramCar in Wildwood.
– You have a grandparent who didn’t move to Florida and retired
in Cape May, Ocean Grove, Brick, or Toms River.
– Donald Trump is mentioned daily in your local newspaper.
– Your school actually made good Italian subs.
– The Jets/Giants game has started fights in your family.
– You have been waiting the last 10 years for the Yankees to
move to the Meadowlands.
– You own an annual pass to Great Adventure and you had to take
the monkey by-pass at the Safari cause your dad had padded-vinyl
roof on his car.
– You say “water” weird.
– Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in April.
– You know that ACME is a supermarket, not just a Warner Bros
creation.
– Because your town was founded before 1776, all restaurants,
bars and shops have ‘ye’, ‘olde’, or ‘colonial’ in their names.
– You know the myth of the New Jersey devil and you think it
lives as Gov. Christie Todd Whitman. (Whitman IS the devil.)
– You think the Olive Garden is crap and should never have
opened in NJ.
– You remember when Hoboken was a ghetto not overpriced.
– There is a fruit and veggie stand down the road.
– You like vinegar or gravy on your french fries.
– You think a mountain is that big freakin’ hill in Atlantic
Highlands.
– You know Asbury Park is no longer the Mecca of East Coast
resort towns.
– Even though there’s a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go
to the Englishtown Auction for cheap stuff.
– You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.
– You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle
– You know what skeeball is and you can get three 50’s in a row.
– You’re Italian.
– You know where to get the best bagel.
– You’ve lived through hurricanes, nor’Easters and fires, but
have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
– You’ve eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll…and like
it.
– You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.
– You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!
– In high school, you worked at a Friendly’s.
– You don’t have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
– You once said, “It smells like New York in here,”
– You’ve waited for the goddamn drawbridge for more than 20 damn
minutes.
– “Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell” is your attitude.
– You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word “damn”
while driving.
– You’ve gone to the racetrack with twenty different daily
double bets from twenty different people
– You know that there are bakeries, which are not part of a
supermarket, but actual individual stores.
– You’ve ordered a “hard roll with butter” for breakfast.
– One time, a sea gull shit on your head.
– You’ve eaten at a Windmill, drunk off your ass, at 3am at
least a dozen times.
– You’ve planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least
one Dunkin’ Donuts.
– You don’t think of citrus when people mention “The Oranges”
– You know that it’s called “Great Adventure”… not “Six
Flags”, dammit!
– When people ask you where you live, you tell them your
Parkway/Turnpike exit number.
– You watched “Mall rats” and said, “I’ve been to that mall!”
– At least half the people you knew in high school went to
Rutgers.
– Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
– You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
– You know that the only people that call it “Joisey” are from
New York.
Half and Half
A blonde and burnette was walking in the desert. The burnett comes across a magic lamp. When she picks it up a jeenie comes out and says i will give you 3 wishes but whatevre you wish the blonde will get half more than you. Alright replies the burnette.
1. I wish for 1 millin dollars. so the blonde is going to get 2 million who cares.
2. i wish for a nice looking guy. so the blonde wil get two so what!
3. i wish you would take this stick and beat me half to death. lol
Observing the baby
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently
she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his
face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes
glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
� A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
� It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib
like that for only $46.50.”