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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “STOP! STOP! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?”
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
14> Loading Santa’s Sleigh
13> Dropping Toys Down the Chimney
12> Stuffing the Intestinal Stocking
11> Opening an Account With E.F. Glutton
10> Getting Stockingfaced
9> Fueling the Mother of All Yule Logs
8> Dreaming of a Wide Christmas
7> Becoming a Macy’s Float
6> Circuit-Training the Ol’ Sansabelt Muscles
5> Digest Ye Sedentary Gentlemen
4> Getting on Jenny Craig’s “Naughty” List
3> Not Letting the Nutritionists Win
2> Uploading to Napster
1> Providing Shade for the Ol’ Yule Log
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
a pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
�i would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,� sighed the
pheasant, �but i haven’t got the energy.�
�well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?� replied the bull.
�they’re packed with nutrients.�
the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on.
finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
the moral of the story: bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep
you there.
Two fellas are fishing in a boat near a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”
A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head. The doctor asks the guy how this came to be…”I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I’ve made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place.””So we’re both out there searching, and she’s swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it’s hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I’ve looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing.””So I pick up the cows’ feet one by one, but there’s no ball under a cow. Now there’s only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow’s tail, and sure as hell, there’s a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said ‘Does that look like yours?'”
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits!”
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
How many [ethnics] does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Four: one to mix the batter and three to peel the m & m’s!
A gynecologist decides to quit his job to fufill his life long dream of becoming a mechanic. He decides to take mechanic courses and he does so for a couple of months up until he must take the test. The test consists of taking apart a car’s engine and putting it together perfectly for a score of 200.He does his test and feels confident that he did well.A week later he receives a call,”This is your regarding your test,” The man on the phone says.”Yes, how did I do?””You got 400 over 200″”400 over 200? how did I get that?””You got 100 for taking the motor apart perfectly.””Ok””You got 100 for putting it together perfectly.””So I got a perfect score? How did I get the other extra 200?”The man hesitates and answers, “That’s for doing it all through the muffler!”
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, “Did you call me?”
“No, I’m sorry,” Joseph replied, “I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again.”