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A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words ‘cheese’ and ‘liver’ in a sentence.”
So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.”
The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” he asks the second guy.
He says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
A very new and nervous school inspector was being shown ’round a very rough school.
Just as the tour of inspection was coming to an end, the principal asked him if he’d mind saying a few words of advice to a class of unruly 16 year olds, who were going to leave school at the end of term.
The principal managed to get the kids to be quiet, introduced them to the inspector and told them that he was going to say a few words to them.
The poor man was totally nonplussed by the sight of unwelcoming faces staring at him, but he took a deep breath and began: “When y-y-y-you were in-in-infants I’m sure you enjoyed your in-in-infancy.”
“As ch-ch-children I’m sure you enjoyed y-y-y-your ch-ch-childhood.”
“I c-c-c-can see that you are enjoying your a-a-a-a-adolescence and I h-h-hope that w-w-when you leave school and become adults, you will enjoy your adultery.”
Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, ‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.”Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:’Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘ To which Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.’ Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’
An old lady walks up to an old man in an old age home.She says, “If you drop your pants I’ll bet I can tell your age.”So, the man drops his pants.”Your 83″ she says.”Your right! But how could you tell I was 83 just by looking at me without pants on?” he asks.”Easy,” She says, “You told me yesterday.”
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?’
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.’
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.’
She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!’
Rippington says, ‘O.K.’
A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears
ripped off. Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing
Rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money
went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear
business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line,
realised that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to
run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew
everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview,
the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.”
The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first
guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anythingdifferent about
me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her
the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very
young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all
about the sportswear business.
The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant
young man you are.
How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well,
it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears.”
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way someone’s going to lose a trailer.
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the
baby and suddenly the baby says, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor is shocked and
goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, �Are
you my daddy?� The doctor says, �No, I’m not your father.�
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,
�Are you my daddy?� And the father says, �Yes, I am!� So, the baby pops out of
the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head
while saying, �How do you like that?! How do you like that?!�
Q: How do you know when you have been rejected by everyone?
A: When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What’s green and looks like a bucket?
A green bucket.
A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real life
Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft
Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I’ say.”(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
“That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is
not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
“This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I
was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in
red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition
to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care
of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later,
I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated
memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is
endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current
procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
quality!” (Lucent Technologies)