I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, “Deepest Condolences,” and sent the card to the funeral home that said, “I know it’s hot where you’re going, but you deserve it!
Author: admin
Bumper Sticker #12
I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Hillbilly Animal Eti
What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common? They both lick their paws.
Why do we say something
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Elementry kids
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected (incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. one of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Secret
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it’s a gay bar, but decides, “What the heck, I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, “What’s the name of your penis?”
Guy: Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
Waiter:I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike” for the slogan ‘Just Do It’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers’ because ‘It Really Satisfies’.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he’ll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, “Hey, bud, what’s the name of your penis?”
Other customer: Timex!
First guy: Why Timex?
Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
First guy:What’s the name of your penis?
Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is “Secret’!
Waiter: (pouring beer) Why ‘Secret’?
Guy:(proudly) Because it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
Blonde…sex
Why doesn’t a blonde ever talk during sex?
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.
.
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Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers!
Gay Horses
What do GaY horses eat!?
HHHHhhhhhaaaayyyyyyy !!!
Un d�a llega Pepito y
Un d�a llega Pepito y le pregunta a su mam�:
“Oye, mam�, �qu� es pene?”
“��Qu�!? �Eres un grosero, un hijo de la &@#%! �D�nde o�ste eso?”
“Es que yo iba pasando por la iglesia y o� que el cura le dijo a una se�ora que rezara dos avemar�as para que el alma no pene”.
Ohh no!
A young lady taking a bath and relaxing hears a knock at the door.
“Who is it” she asks. “The blind man” comes the reply. she thinks for moment, and allows him in.
He says: “wow what beautiful tits, where can I hang the blinds”?
Biggest Hard-on
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, “Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I’ve got to get to her NOW!” The other guy says, “O.K. Do you want me to come with you?””What the hell for?” asks the other.”Because that’s MY dick you’re holding!” he says.
Reindeer Riddles
Q: What do you call a blind reindeer?
A: No eye deer
Q: What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
Okay, if you didn’t get it, sound it out… “No idea” and “Still, no idea” — you know, he’s not moving… And for one more, which is R rated for Language, Click Here