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Mathematic Love

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A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

The Stanford Law Review runs the following…

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The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

“For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.”

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

“For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.”

Revelations In Life

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Revelations on My Life 1. I’m not into working out. You see, my philosophy is no pain, no pain. 2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?5. People say you have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her!8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!

Bad day at work (for a diver)

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It is said that a guy wrote the following letter to his sister. He is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter….April, 1998Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under your cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my rear.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable.Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Brian

Funny quotes

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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It’s not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin’ on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-

A visti from the FBI

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.”Hello?””Hello, is this FBI?””Yes. What do you want?””I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.””This will be noted.”Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.The phone rings at Tom’s house.”Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?””Yeah!””Did they chop your firewood?””Yeah they did.””Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Four women were teeing off to the first hole…

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Four women were teeing off to the first hole of their golf game. The
forth woman hit a terrific slice and it zoomed off to the next fairway and
hit a guy. He clasped his hands to his crotch and fell
down in pain.

The girl ran over to him and taking his hands and placing them to his side
said, “I’m a physical therapist and I can
help you.”

She then proceeded to open up his pants and began to massage his private
parts therein. After a few minutes she said, “There! Doesn’t that feel
better?”

The guy said, “Yeah that does feel good. But my thumb still hurts like
hell!