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Guillotine

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Once there were three men who were going to be executed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. The first man was a mathmatician, the second man was an artist, and the third man was a engineer.
The police led the mathmatician up and told him to say his last words. He said, “I will always die for my country.” The men led him to the guillotine. The blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the mathmatician would not die.

The same thing happened to the artist. His last words were, “I will always die for my country.” He was led to the guillotine and the blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the artist would not die.

When the police led the engineer up and told him to say his last words, he said, “I think I know how to fix the guillotine.”

At the Fair

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A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.”That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.”Yes Sir!” , he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware””I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.”

Blonde & the Milk Bath

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Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”

Gloria said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

Alan asked, “Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?”

Gloria replied, “No, just up to my waist.”

Ten signs you’ve joined a cheap HMO

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#10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

#9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, ‘take a left when you enter the trailer park.’

#8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

#7. The only proctologist in the plan is ‘Gus’ from Roto-Rooter.

#6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is ‘an apple a day.’

#5. Your ‘primary care physician’ is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

#4. ‘The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges’ is not a typo.

#3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming fluid.

#2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little ‘m’s on them.

#1. You ask for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

The Top 14 Words We Should Add to the English Language

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14> anonymiss — the act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced

13> crough — to cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough

12> jennamnesia — to be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter

11> bobbityboo — mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises

10> spaffle — completely cooked waffle iron runoff

9> smealth — the ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters

8> algoria — finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open

7> massturbation — group phone sex

6> dopplersation — a discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other

5> afterblow — the compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow

4> spillisecond — the fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out

3> algebrassierism — the compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator

2> doglet — any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat

1> squee-squee — the curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Not In College Anymore When…

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You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 11:00 p.m.

Three words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s end.

THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA’s, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA’s, Interest rates and their kid’s orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN, Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends”.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Football “season tickets” go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, ‘I just can’t put it down the same as I used to’.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

Children’s letters to God

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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna