A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.”But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.””Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.””But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.””Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Author: admin
Lawyer hit by a car
A lawyer’s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!” As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer’s right arm missing.
”Do you realize your arm is gone?” asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
“My rolex, my brand new rolex!”
Yo momma is so poor
yo mama is so poor i lit a ciggarette and she sang “clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the lord we now got heat.”yo moma so poor i saw her kicking a trash can down the street i said what are you doing and she said movingyo moma so poor i steped on a cigarette in her house and she said who turned off the lights.your mama is so poor when you walk in the front door you’re walking out the back.yo momma so poor I stepped on a penny in your front yard and she yelled out the window, “Get off my life savings!”
Prof’s marriage woes
“That math prof’s marriage is falling apart!”
“No wonder! He’s into scientific computing – and she’s incalculable!”
dog circus
i went to the doctor the other day and he said john how is your sex life ? i said doc its like a dog circus . he said a dog circus what do you mean by that. well i sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
The preacher and the lawnmower
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ”How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. ”I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, ”Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, ”Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.” The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ”I can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said, ”That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, ”I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.” The little boy looked at him happily and said, ”Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”
Ski Season
Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!
Flood
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
“I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was
destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s
quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” He asked.
This is supposedly a true
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land
Operations/Simulation division.
They’ve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopter’s position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they’ve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…
Clinton one-liner
“Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President”
My little nephew
My little nephew was explaining to me that his father’s friend was deaf and
had to speak with his hands. I asked my nephew how his father’s friend shouted
in sign language. His reply: “He doesn’t have to, he doesn’t have any kids�.