Yours Fun Portal !
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaky and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”
“I couldn’t,” she replied, “There was no one there.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.
He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he’s doing.
And the guy replies – “I’m hunting you idiot… can’t you see that
!” “OK, OK…” says the barman, “Would you like a drink while you hunt ?”.
Immediately the hunter says, ” Do you have any cheap Gin !!?”.
Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies, “No I’m sorry I’m all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you’d like ? “.
“No” says the hunter and he starts to leave.
As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, “Btw pal… exactly what do you hunt?”
” I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn’t you tell that –
I’m a BarGIN Hunter!”
Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are
left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots
one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”
Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There is none left.”
Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think”
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”
Teacher: “Sure.”
Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking,
one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”
Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”
Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you
think.”
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them
names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your
roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and
then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to
your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look
at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger
every day. Look at it and say, “The hair, it’s growing.
Growing!”
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon,
soon….”
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of
the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for
you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh,
yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the
ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor,
hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor.
Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of
it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?”
Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re
back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, ”Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse
to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them
suffer.”
A man comes home from work and walks in his house. Now on top of a really bad day he comes to see his wife in a towel and his bed extreamly messed up. He suspects his wife is cheating on him. The man walked into his room where a naked an stand in hiss balconey. Her husband now in an up roar pushes the naked man out the balconey door.
The husband stomping on the mans hands trying to make him drop. Finally he fell into a great thing of bushes. But he handt died. So the husband took the fridge and threw it out the window. Unfortunately the cord wrapped around the mans ankle and died as well.
The he meets up with god and he says that heaven is full. But “god said” if you tell me the how you died and how bad it was then i will let you in.
The Husband agrees to his offer. The husbands began to explain, well on top of a bad day at work i come home to my wife cheating on me and the man was hanging out my balconey window so i threw the fridge on him and the cord wrapped around my ankle and i died.
God said well that sounds like a really bad day you can go on in.
A second guy comes and god offers him the same. He agrees and begins to tell his story. Well i was doing my daily arobics naked as i always do then i triped and landed on some guys balconey. Then this guy starts cusing at me saying i screwed his wife. I fell out his window and landed in some bushes, but then from no where the man threw a fridge at me and i died.
God replied wow what a horrible day,you can go in.
Then a third guy comes and god offers the same offer he gave the others. The guy agrees and begins to tell his story.
The man begins ” well i was in this fridge…..
The Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Naked Man
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it’s cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.31. Watch the professor through binoculars. 32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall. 33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout. 34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!” 35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering. 37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway. 38. Claim that you wrote the class text book. 39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!” 40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time.
11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!”
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of
coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
“hardbodies.”
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
“Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now
You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!