Author: admin

The Taxi Ride.

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A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Boarding from what gate?

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you
for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

Wonderful Sermon

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After church, a woman shook the pastor’s hand at the door and went on and on in her praise.”That sermon,” she exclaimed, “was one of the most wonderful I’ve ever heard!” The humble pastor couldn’t accept such a great compliment.”Oh, it really wasn’t me,” he said, “It was all the Lord.””Oh, no,” she quickly assured him, “it wasn’t THAT good.”

A good sport!

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John receives a phone call.

“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan.
We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

John: “hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?”

Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?”

Susan: “Well, I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

John: “Say, you really ARE a good sport!”

Family History

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The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.The book appeared. It said that “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock.”

Airplane Crash

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There was a lawyer, a cop, a docter, an old man and a boy. All on an airplane headed to Hawaii. All of a sudden it starts getting stormy, and lightning strikes the left wing of the airplane. So the airplane is going to crash, and the problem is, is that there is only 4 parachutes. So the docter grabs a parachute and says I need to save people!. then he jumps out of the airplane. Then the cop grabs a parachute and says I need to rescue people!. Then he jumps out of the airplane. So then the lawyer grabs a parachute and says No one cares about you two! and jumps out of the airplane. Then the old man says Come here boy. So the boy goes over to him. The old man then says Child take the last parachute for yourself. The boy then says Its ok you can… the old man cuts him off and says Just take it. Its ok, Its my time to die anyway. The boy then says No you dont understand, we can both live!. The surprized old man says How?. Then the boy replies That asshole lawyer just grabbed my backpack!

6 Shots of Whiskey

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

‘What can I get you?’ the barman asks.

‘I want six shots of whisky,’ responds the young man.

‘Six shots? Are you celebrating something?’

‘Yeah, my first blowjob.’

‘Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.’

The young man says, ‘No offence sir, but if six shots won’t get rid of the
taste, nothing will.’