* You’ve never met any celebrities.* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.* “Vacation” means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland.* You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.* You measure distance in minutes.* Down south to you means Kentucky.* You know several people who have hit a deer.* You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute.”* Your school classes were canceled because of cold.* Your school classes were canceled because of heat.* You know where all the Yoders live.* You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.* You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.* You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”* You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.* Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.* You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.* You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.* You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with.”* All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.* De-tassling was your first job.* Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.* You say catty-wumpus and kitty-corner.* You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.* You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.* When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, “It was different.”* You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor.* You carry jumper cables in your car.* You drink “pop.”* You know what “cow tipping” is.
Author: admin
Q: How many square
Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.
On the Patch
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”
The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license.
And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.
“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”
Sheep Fries
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
“No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!”
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!”
Cat/Human Quiz
Humans:Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying: a) Welcome home b) The phone rang twice while you were out c) Feed me, NOWYour cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying: a) Please don’t leave me here all alone b) Good-bye c) But what if I get hungry while you out?Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this: a) An unsuppressed primal instinct b) A sign of affection c) A demand to be fed nowYour cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying: a) Lemme out – I need to use the garden b) Wanna go out and play c) Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?Cats:Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean: a) It’s hungry b) It’s lost c) You’re hungryYour human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this: a) supper b) something to keep you going till supper’s ready c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human’s got.Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean: a) You’re in trouble – better not do it again b) Nothing – humans do this from time to time c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.Staircases are for: a) Getting up to the human’s bedroom at 4am b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it. d) all of the above
Cross examinaing a cop
The defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial–it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Lucky Shot
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
A Kooky Race Joke
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour.
Life Lessons I Learned From James Bond
- If you loathe backseat drivers – use the ejection seat.
- Women will sleep with you no matter what their race, color, creed, religious belief, marital status or sexual preference. Even if you treat them like dirt or have killed their husbands, fathers etc, they will still sleep with you in the end.
- The British Government has better resources than the Americans.
- All Russians are incompetent idiots, unless they are good-looking.
- Bad guys only operate in exotic locales like Vienna or the Bahamas – never a place like Nebraska or Cleveland.
- Evil genius have two henchmen- one with all brains and no brawn, and one with all brawn and no brains.
- No matter how many crack troops you are up against, you will never be hit by a bullet, minor scratches are the most you’ll get.
- The wilder the car chase, the lesser the chance of messing up your hair.
- The wilder the car chase the lesser the chance of red lights or pedestrians stopping you – let alone the Police.
- Spies always use dumb code phrases.
- You will never lose in a casino, no matter how crooked it is.
- Money is not a problem.
- Use one-liners wherever possible including the middle of a car chase, when you are just about to shoot someone, when someone is just about to shoot you, when you are about to use a gadget, before you have sex, etc.
- It is perfectly OK to drive a tank through St. Petersburg and catch up with a speeding motor car.
- Hit on the boss secretary at all times.
- 0 year-olds can still head up a government department whose sole purpose is to invent new gadgets for the modern spy.
- You will always be told the evil plan BEFORE you are supposed to die.
- Always have a Union Jack parachute handy.
- Be a chauvinist pig at all times, women will sleep with you anyway (see above)
- Everybody of Eastern descent does martial arts like Jackie Chan.
- There is no modern buildings in communist countries.
- Always kill the evil genius last (or second to last).
Blonde Vs Redhead
What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
The Stuttering Cat
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went “fffff fffff! fffff fffffff! ffffff ffff!”, and before he could say “FUCK OFF!”, the dog ate him!”
Checkup
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”